Am I to Blame...?

Throughout today, my stomach has been feeling uneasy and have a little trouble breathing. I don't know what it is. Not nervousness, not hunger, not guilt.

I eventually went outside, mom's suggestion after telling her about this as the day went on, to get some fresh air... I think it helped.

As I stood on the back porch to get some air, I look at the back of the high school I went to 3 years ago. A few questions came to my mind: Why can I not stop living in the past? Is it really the school districts fault for how I am, or is it I? Why am I afraid to attend college and expand my education for a better degree?

Ended up talking to myself, which is a norm for me since I don't have anyone in person that I can talk to about this. I stare at the high school, going into my past to see if it's really my fault or the district's. After a deep thought... maybe it is my fault. I chose to live in fear and solitude and mark everyone as a threat to me. Also to not take schooling seriously. I only wanted one thing... out. My selfish need to get out is what kept me from interacting with the other students. My grudges against the district probably only added it as I couldn't forgive it, couldn't let it go.

I don't feel proud getting a high school degree... because I don't feel I really graduated. My mind is still stuck in high school, looking for a way out.

I'm trying hard to not think of that past, but nothing in the present is strong enough to overwrite it, to help me forget it, to help me move on. I'm still living in a life of fear and solitude. Almost at the point I'm afraid to leave the house on unregular basis. Afraid to meet new people. Afraid to move on. Afraid to grow.

...almost afraid of everything.