Bamboozlers: Panda Carrier

This was the hardest wooden puzzle I have ever done in my life. The Bamboozlers range: Panda Carrier (Level 5 difficulty, 8 being top) by Professor Puzzle (the site is down for unknown reason).

I got this for Christmas by my parents, knowing that I like to solve puzzles (except crosswords or anything that requires high knowledge of many things, I'll never be able to solve those). I found it interesting it was made from Bamboo, containing facts about Bamboo.

When my sister's family was over Christmas night for a little gift exchange, I was slowly taking the puzzle apart. Trying to keep in mind how it was assembled in the process (aka reverse engineering). Apparently in the early stages of taking it apart, it basically collapsed on me.

Two-sides of the Same Coin

A long time ago, on a fan-site I went to very often, currently on a slow renovating phase, there was a member that got banned, who was very arrogant and up-tight, and would suck up to mods and admins on the site, while at the same time give others a hard time. The member in this post shall be called Alba, in reference to the character from Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth Quercus Alba (Theme: The Enemy Who Surpasses the Law).

Few years ago, Alba was a kind person, very greeting and welcoming to others. At that time, the fan-site was trying to keep fans of an online game together, during and after the game was still around. He, me, and a few others took part in a little pod casting group, which only lasted under a year.

When the game resurfaced a second time under a new company, there was disappointment in the air on all the fans. It eventually closed down again, because it was a failure. The rebirth of the game was the same as before, however worse than the original. It died in months.

After that, the pod casting died out. This is when things gone sour for everyone.

Music In a Cavern

For over a year now, I've been helping in Alpha testing a MMORPG called Antilia. It's a dream come true for me. It's a very wonderful game, especially with a wonderful community right now. The background music is good, loops perfectly, very calm, soothing, and not over the top or quickly boring - however has in the past caused me and a few others to fall sleep, I call it "Jigglypuff Music".

Arrogant Admin

In a TF2 server I regularly go to, there's an admin on there that I have no respect for. Far as I know, he likes to show off and get a little carried away with his admin powers. For instance, at times he would change the next map, despite there's a voting system for that, to a map that isn't part of the rotation. Arena_Nucleus and Arena_Well.

What really peeved me the most was that he changed it without anyone voting or having any say about it. He would even cancel a vote that is about to happen or after the vote he would change it. He always complains about a certain map that "some cannot load" and would change it instantly to a map that is out of the rotation. There is a search engine called "Google". You can look up the map and version, with any other needed keywords, and find a link that'll have that version with a download like. The map is dm_cloudsdale_b5. For some reason the server won't download and players will have to go looking for it (that's what I did, didn't hear me whining about it.)

Past Month Update

Sorry for not making an entry for a month. Haven't had much to write down these days. I should explain what has happened up till now.

Death in a Related Family

My Dad's Brother's Aunt's Sister was found dead by a possible overdose or a mixture of drugs, based on what I was given (I'm rarely on the loop of family issues and general topics). Even though I never knew this woman, dad claims I did years ago. After seeing a few pictures of her after the funeral I attended, did ring some bells but nothing much else. I didn't want to attended the funeral since I barely to never knew her, so didn't see the point in going. Not like it means anything for not being there, but dad made one of his infamous guilt trip moves on me to get me to attend.

Birthday

My birthday was the 14th, 22 years old now. It was... special this time. One I'm sure to remember for a long time. Gotten a lot of gifts, coincidental, in TF2 by secret saxtons, gives a random gift to someone on the server, that a few people were doing on a server I go to usually. Got some weapons, one I've been wanting for a long time and to craft, the Homewrecker. It'll really come in handing.

Big Life Bomb Shell

Mom brought up a huge load of life on me... car insurance fee (won't be able to pay), license renewal (may be able to pay including required current inspection, repairs may very if needed), get my property tax form for 2011 (which for some reason did not get nor for 2012, will find out later. Depending on the price on the tax and how much they usually cost based on car year, 98 for me, may not be able to pay) and then the big one that has me shaken up right now... getting a job that pays more than this "job" i have of running the sound board since the payment is always TBD and rare... sigh... I'm not gonna lie, that is going to be the most scariest thing for me... about as scary as a kid first going to a daycare or school, seeing all new faces, scared and may start to cry wanting their parents.

Lost Blue Kitty

Got a funny story to tell you that happened to me in the afternoon.

I was helping out with a garage sale to help raise money for my grandparents to live on in their savings. I was there from 10am to about 4pm. Far as I know on that day, we raised at least $100.

My Aunt Robin and her family are here in the states, they currently live in China (complex story on that) for awhile to help out with the garage sale and cleaning up the house that my grandparents moved out of. Raising money for my grandparents to have for their savings or something.

Shortly after noon, my Aunt planned to pick up her sons, one in high school another in elementary, which her husband forgot while getting a carpet cleaner for a day. I joined her in getting the boys and come back. They're living with another family members, my other Aunt and Uncle relatives.

Unexpected, Unprepared, No Winner

Terraria: First Battle of Eye of Cthulhu That's me battling the Eye of Cthulhu, be sure to read the description in the video.

Despite I wasn't prepared and got caught off guard... I didn't die once (nearly did a few times), but didn't exactly won either. At 4:30 in-game time, it ran. (that's when the sun rises and monsters on the surface either run or no longer spawn). Pretty much a draw.

After this battle, I made a gold bow and stocked up on fire arrows (found those did continuous damage). I'll have to find other weapons that could be useful for bosses... will also need to find some attacks that use magic, if they exist. May also need to rearrange my slot bar...

Liking this game more than Minecraft... mainly because Java does not like my computer and vise versa...

Made an Accomplishment!

Bought Terraria on steam. on a daily sale event they're having, for 75% off that day only (from $10 to $2.50). Originally thought of buying it soon as I get paid on my next job (late this month, unless something came up... been having some terrible luck with jobs lately) but the low price was just... too tempting to not resist.

Two Party Protesters, Two Different Reactions

Warning: This topic is a sensitive subject. That being said please prevent use of any arguing or belligerent behavior. I appreciate you to read with an open mind and understanding, regardless of your race and view of another race.

This is not for the fate of heart nor children, regardless of race, to know about without adult supervision and understanding.

This is one of few things that's been on my mind for a while.

A friend, after reading this entry, referenced to this bible verse. 1 John 5:19, "We know we originate with God, but the whole world is lying in the [power of the] wicked one." That should give you an idea of what this entry is about, metaphorically speaking.

Bad Day!

Where do I start?

This morning at 7am (usually wake up close to day time) I woke up. Couldn't get much sleep since my mind was racing on some thoughts.

I am a Genius! Hidden/Secret Mine Shaft Entrance

Idea: Want to make a mineshaft under my house.

Problem: Want to make the entrance look inconspicuous (despite it's single player) and not stand out when not in use and the switch is removed.

Solution: Use sticky pistons to push and pull the block and a piston to push the block up. Use a NOT gate (red stone torch).

Problem: How to get down without breaking neck, and able to get back up.

Solution: Water Elevator! Ladders will only prevent blocks from being moved or get detached from the wall.

Problem: Water will disappear if there is a solid block on the source water block.

Solution: Put the source block one block away from the path of the solid block and sticky piston. Place it under a block and to the side.

Tried the Demo of Tera Online, Mix Feelings

This was a message I sent to Jeff, who is a chief developer, in Antilia.

Feels of a Call

Lately, I've get these feelings that something is calling me... not just anything, but the school district I graduated from. So far the calls have only been wanting me to take a walk to the elementary school I went to, behind a fence, and look at it. Same with the high school, but on top of a hill at a local church. Haven't gotten any callings from the middle school, however.

I don't know if I should ignore these or... just take a walk to those two places when they call. I could use some air anyway. Who knows... if I visit them, meaning looking at them from a distance and reminisce, I may find something in my mind for closure or fix on how I remember. It is summer break so... got plenty of time.

Old Song, Sad Memories, Future Hope

On the way home from church, this old song, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts, was playing on the radio.  I haven't heard this song in... several years.

Sad memories came to my mind while this was being played. A girl I had a crush on, but couldn't admit my love to her. She then moves away by 8th grade, and I felt alone, filled with regret for not saying anything to her.

Communication Failure on a Job Offering

Yesterday I was told about a job offer for pet and house sitting for 9 days (from Monday to next Wednesday). I was told about this from my mom, from a friend of my dad's, and who I also know.

The job was to watch over pets: fish, cats, and two Cocker Spaniel dogs. Fish would be a breeze, cats I have good experience with (I miss Cleo), but for dogs... no experience. Originally the plan was to see the dogs the next day, see I could get acquainted with them and such. It was a "maybe" at that point. Years past I would get a little afraid because of their "strong greetings" they would have on people. I don't like strong greetings... makes me feel like I'm being threaten.

Ravensmore

Had a strange dream... trying to piece it together as they all appear to be related to each other somehow.

Boredom... a Crude Virus

For the past few week or so, been rather bored... very bored actually. I really don't know what to do these days!

Every day I wake up, get some sort of breakfast, usually cereal, be on my laptop, listen to music, play some video games, alone, sleep and repeat. I don't have much of a creative mind... especially since it's not really being appreciated these days or lack of feedback. I can't really draw that all well... and writing stories is something I always put myself into a corner. Reading, like novels and non-fiction, majority just puts me to sleep, even if it is easy reading. Can't really find a hobby that will stick either for me, or that I can continue doing.

Game Night Blast!

Game Night was a blast! =D Tons of fun, ate so many chips, drank so much orange soda... and my stomach hurts from the fun, laughter, and the stomach full of junk food... Epic 5 hours for me!

• N64: Rush LA (Few Stunts and Battles)
• GC: Starfox Assault (2-3 player games), SMB:Melee (2 rounds for me), Soul Caliber II (2 rounds for me)
• Board Game: Clue (2 games played)

Am I to Blame...?

Throughout today, my stomach has been feeling uneasy and have a little trouble breathing. I don't know what it is. Not nervousness, not hunger, not guilt.

I eventually went outside, mom's suggestion after telling her about this as the day went on, to get some fresh air... I think it helped.

About CISPA

I'll just let this following quote let it say how I feel about it.

"The power it holds can bring forth either salvation, or destruction, at the whim of the user."
-Aura, .hack//Infection

Eventful Day, Part 2: Idiot Driver

After all those events with the mic, I head my way home.

When I turn onto the street I live, after about a 30 minute drive, I notice a red car is behind me gaining on my tail. Eventually this drivers ends up RIGHT NEXT TO ME on the left side, going in the same direction were the street narrows down to a 1 lane for both directions. So I pull over to let this guy drive by, and he hocks his horn at me. He was right on my blind spot when I pulled over for him to drive by, but after he hocked his horn at me, I go back on the road and drove at mild-high speed (35 on 25) to get a little distance then reduced my speed to 25, just to get this idiot off of me!

Eventually he made a left turn to, I believe, a local townhouse estate, which is an infamous place. Pizza Hut doesn't deliver there at night anymore, they kept getting mugged.

I gave this guy the right to pass me since he was right next to me on the left side, which was very scary, but he denied it so I took it back.

Eventful Day, Part 1: Great to Bad to Good

Well my day today was very eventful!

Today I had to go to church to be on the sound board for a funeral. So I dressed appropriate for it: Black Slacks, Black Shirt with dark blue "pixel-like" stars on it, and of course my hat (It's black, and I just look good with it on... without it I look like something from a horror movie.)

The service went well, despite I was a little nervous. First time attending a funeral at the church AND to run the sound board for.

How Does This Relate?

Someone I know, little older than me, (we're both legal adults) posted a video in a "grind my gears" topic on a forum I got to. "Grind my gears" usually means what annoys you and such. However, how he put this video in his post and talked about it was actually the opposite... I was curious as to how this was a "grind my gears" to him, but instead he took it out of proportion and just ignored the question completely and felt like he was being personally attacked.

From Bad to Great!

In Eden Eternal, had to do a quest that required a dungeon. Again 1-player dungeon was an option, but decided to have a party instead. Joined a party as a Thief, eventually got kicked out for dying only twice by an impatient, and hesitant to attack, tank. One of those players where everything has to be just right for them. He even said I could tell him what to do if I was a tank. So I took up on that offer and showed him how it's really done. Of course he got mad and kicked me out of the party. What a brat... eventually he came out and started bragging that he was finished. I paid no mind.

So I waited by the entrance looking for a party.

Made a new party, cleric this time... but was also a bust as the party members DCed (Disconnected) or had to leave while in the middle of the dungeon.

Little Company After the Dungeon

After writing all that down, I noticed a thief, with a level around me, sat next to me in the pictures I showed. Name was lucyluck. She was there for reminiscing mainly, but we talked a little.

I mentioned at times the clouds in the game look like they're moving. The really don't but... it's a neat illusion that I enjoy.

We sat there in silence for a few minutes.

I logged out as food was ready, and I was hungry. Food does calm the nerves you know. I said my good byes and saying thanks for the company and reminding me it's nice to know there's still nice players in this game. Gave her a hug and left.

Jerk in Eden Eternal

I was playing as a Thief (my usual class) in the game when I asked for some aid for a dungeon. I could do a 1-player dungeon, but won't really get anything out of it. 1-player dungeon is mainly for quests, no exp, money or drops are given. In encourages partying basically. So I ask a bit for some aid, repeat it after some time passes by... then I decided to just go do a 1-player dungeon.

As I started I see in the chat iBugs is looking for a party as well. I leave the dungeon and ask for an invite. Got invited and changed the channel to 1, by request of Brul, a Ursun with a character level in his mid 40's, who is the leader of the party.

Long Wait for any Invitations

While writing my last entry, this other bother came to mind. I had to cut out whatever I had and rewrite it a bit.

I've always long to be invited to events or activities while in school from students or friends able to persuade me enough to get evolve in any that I don't usually do or had any interest in. I remember some students tried before, but that included rapping or working out majority wise. Eventually I was never invited to anything... school plays, dances, bon fires, games, concerts etc. Even though I may not enjoy them... I wouldn't mind going for a friend. As long as my friend is having fun or enjoying it, that's all for me. Bonus if I enjoyed it too.

If Only I Was Brave

A webcomic page from Roomies (have to start from here) has brought another bother to me. As a child I wasn't very brave... always shy and scared. Couldn't even stand up for myself. I always doubted myself and let it get to me. I don't recall any chances of being brave, or maybe I'm just blocking them out so I won't feel guilty of being a coward. Either way... haven't really seen any chances to show any braveness in me. I don't even know if I have any!

I can't help but wonder that... if I did, or could, show any braveness... I would probably have a chance to get a girlfriend, or at least a long time friend... a true friend. I know I have one right now, but it's not exactly the same as I wanted, but it's something to keep me going at least.

Can't help but feel it's too late for me to show any braveness now... or that there never was a chance for me.

Eventful Day

Had a eventful day yesterday, also profitable! ($60!)

A week ago dad mentioned about a catering service was gonna need some assistance of setting up for a wedding. Me, Mom, and Sis were offered this job, $20 an hour and were there for only 3 hours (that was the maximum). We moved and set up tables and chairs. Thankfully the tables were round so easy to move them. The chairs were white plastic like, very suitable for weddings. There was lots of discussions of where to place the tables and how many chairs per row for the wedding, ended up doing 8 chairs for 9 rows per side, with a total of 144 chairs (and over 300 guests confirmed there were coming so... it was going to be a mix of sitting and standing for the wedding). Had to measure distances between each row of chairs. The middle aisle had to be at least 55 inches wide, managed to get down to 59 inches and the chairs were 17 inches wide (side to side). So yeah some math was done, along with measuring tape. Worked out just fine in the end.

"Salina"

I woke up in the afternoon from a deep dream. I don't recall what it was about... but the last thing that came to me was a name, "Salina".

Feel So Lost

I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.

Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.

"Our House Below" & "Nobody's Home"

There's something about these two songs:  "Our House Below", from a anime movie called Arrietty, and "Nobody's Home" by Avril Levigne (used to listen to this up till high school) that gets to me. It has me questioning two things: "Family" and "Home". Do I feel a part of a family? Do I feel like I'm home? I honestly don't know anymore... What do they both mean anyway? Because I don't think I know the meanings anymore...

Suddenly Feel at Peace

By Sam

I don't know why or how, but I feel at peace with everything. Like a great weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Feel free and happy. I don't want to worry about the cause of this, but I want to enjoy every moment of this for as long as I can.

I believe the song "Fix Me" by 10 Years may be a key to this of me feeling so... calm and collected. It could also be the early June like temperatures (70's with cool winds). Either way, I'm glad I'm feeling this.

I want this to last forever. I don't want to feel paranoid, to feel scared, to be afraid of a lot of things, to shy away from people and end up pushing people away.

I think I'm finally understand the world and how it works. I think I may have finally began to... accept it. While I still don't know my place in this world, this is a huge step regardless. Bigger than you think. I've been denying and refusing the world for so long. All I needed was... a second view of it, after wanting some space for myself, to gain control for my life. Viewing it at first while under the stress of school and grades didn't have a good outcome. I couldn't... I wouldn't accept it. Yet, I feel I finally have after so many years.

About the Kony 2012 Controversy

I saw the video a few days ago and currently seeing some controversy about the video, campaign, and charity group Invisible Children. Saw videos about how inaccurate it is, that it's a lie, a scam, etc. Even read a news article and a blog post about it that is sorta questioning the video and group entirely. Some saying they're from Uganda and claiming he died 5 years ago or moved away from Uganda 6 years ago or something and how only 31% is going into charity. Watch this to ease that pain: KONY 2012 Scam or Not?

The videos I watched that are against the video and questioning the group, this girl saying from a claim by her parents that Kony died 5 years ago and saying to do more research instead of just one sided, granted that's true on the research, however, I doubt three filmmakers did a great 30 minute video all for a scam.

Some Quotes of Wisdom

A long time ago, few years ago, I made a few notes on a windows program called Sticky Note--it came with the new laptop I got, last one died out (mother board).

I haven't opened up the program in a long time... as what I written was too painful to read, however couldn't delete them.

I just now opened it up... and here's what they say. (Those with no quotes are made by me.)

Journal Entry #14

Just realized I haven't made a post in almost a month. Nothing to really write about these days... well except for one thing.

For a few days, I had an issue with my left ear. Ear wax build up basically that I couldn't hear well out of that ear. Someone had to take my place to run the sound board last Sunday morning since monitoring volumes and cues will be difficult with only one ear working properly. I did want one person to run it, but apparently he didn't feel comfortable running it alone yet, but luckily someone else did. Glad Dad understood my concern about me running it that Sunday. Felt I needed a good break anyway.

A Few Bothers

Warning: Please do not let children read this. This is a dark entry that would scar them for life. Also, not for sensitive people. This does question religion in the afterlife beliefs. If you're very religious and know your mind set in the possible afterlife, please do not read this entry. I do not wish to ruin anyone's mind set. This is just a ponder for open minds.

Every night, for about a month or so, I feel insecure and afraid. I couldn't figure out why... but after reading more of a fan-fiction called "My Little Dashie" that a friend showed me--and I quote from Rainbow Dash herself "Darn it! Now you got me acting all sappy."--it has dawned on me.

Funny Chat Moment

We were on the topic of Phoenix Wright (A Nintendo Puzzle DS). Linked me to song remixes of the game. Then he said this...

Friend: I heard someone actaully used one of the songs in law school durring a play trial.
Blue SLY: lol really?
Friend: Apparently so.
Blue SLY: did he pass or fail? XD
Blue SLY: lol
Friend: Everyone but the teacher got it.
Friend: But yes it did.
Blue SLY: yes what? o.o
Friend: Pass.
Blue SLY: damn lol
Friend: Now I know what to play when answering questions durring class.
Blue SLY: too bad can't play that in real court
Blue SLY: LOL!
Friend: I'd get up.
Friend: Slam my desk.
Friend: Point at the teahcer.
Friend: And yell.
Friend: "YOUR HONOR!"
Friend: And then answer the questions.
Friend: And present the page numbers as evidence.

I died laughing right there. XD

My Stuffed Animals

When I was a kid, and didn't had any friends to turn to for comfort or to vent, I would talk to my stuffed animals, especially my favorite "Mr. Bear." A stuffed teddy bear with a Hard Rock shirt on. He felt like the only friend for me at that time, that cared and listen. However the lack of life didn't really help much. Cleo, the cat, was able to do the comforting.

Eventually, by the time I entered High School, I put him and my other stuffed animals I used to sleep with in bed in the closet. I had to convince myself I couldn't rely on stuffed animals for advice and comfort in my entire life. Had to try to make real friends this time. I had friends as a kid... but couldn't really open up to them as they didn't really care. They couldn't understand either. Eventually I felt abandoned by them. Did make new friends, but like I said many times, couldn't really open up to them, in fear I would be a burden to them and abandon me. Didn't have them in any of my classes in High School anyway.

I still have my stuffed animals in the closet to this day. They mean too much to me to give away.

Even though I have great friends I can only talk to online, wish I had some in person.

Staying Positive

Been trying to stay positive for awhile. Here's what I came up with so far:

• Still Alive.
• Still have friends, didn't lose any.
• May have a job eventually.
• Not being able to pay rent.
• Taking a semester off to get my thoughts together.
• Sorta well fit.
• Progressed a bit in Ruby than I've had in any Pokemon game.
• Gave dad's movie gift, "Watchmen", a try. It's okay... second half finally made some sense... still some plot holes though.
• No injuries.
• Had a good laugh from Precocious after watching half of the movie.
• Not doing drugs, smoking, or anything illegal.
• Not in trouble with the law or have a criminal record (so far so good).
• Not being an intentional jerk to others.
• Open minded (for the most part).
• Saw two cute videos: Sleepy Baby Bunny and Lyze - The Happiest Owlet
• Not in a gang or part of a mafia.
• Have a few friends I can turn to when I feel down, although I need to stop abusing that as I feel I'm about to annoy them.
• Smart

That's all I can think of at this time... guess that's an okay list. Could be better, but it'll do. :)

Pokemon Controversy: Agree, Disagree, and Confused

I was looking around Bulbapedia, while playing with Ruby for move and stat info between two Pokemon that are in relation of evolution. Then I wondered off to something else and came to here: Pokemon Controversy

Few of these accusations/concerns I agree with, some I don't really understand, rest... I just wanna slap them basically for not having an open mind.

Pokemon: Missed, Regrets, Idea

I need to learn to not overdue than what is needed. That being said, need to also keep my curiosity in check as it may remind me of my past.

I was using Bulbapedia (Pokemon Wiki) to look up weaknesses in wild Pokemon I face, in Ruby, to plan which Pokemon to bring with me. I then got curious on one thing to another. I haven't been up-to-date with Pokemon since Ruby and Sapphire came out, game wise. As for Anime wise, somewhere in the first series (Johto and Kanto regions). Looking at new characters, missing information of what happened with the old character(s) and where the new one came from. Just seeing all that made me feel so... outdated and old.

Journal Entry #13

Started playing Pokemon Ruby again, after not playing it for years on an old save file. Think I'm doing better than I did years ago, in general of Pokemon games... but now I don't have anyone to battle/trade with. I did as a kid between Red/Blue/Yellow and Gold/Silver versions... but the "peers" I had weren't very motivated, but would tease me if I made a mistake or got a bit lost... they were 3 badges ahead of me. I made a mistake once of using a master ball on a Ditto, it was the only pokeball I had at that time and got teased at. I asked "How do I get the bike?" in Blue and I got laughed at... by middle school I had to accept the fact they weren't really my friends and went on to try to find new ones. I was always easy to be picked on... left helpless without anyone to go to for comfort.

My Learning Skill: Not Able to Improve with Others

As I sit here, listening to early tracks of the Gorlliaz like "Feel Good Inc." "Kids With Guns" "El Manana" "19/2000 (Soulchild remix)" (Original here) that I would listen to back in my early years of high school, and possibly 8th grade in middle school, has me thinking about my learning skills

Seems during my 13 years of school... I have always felt rushed, not to do my best... but to BE the best... to always get the best grades. Eventually I was doing okay in school... but by the time I got to middle school... I felt like I was lagging behind. Sure my grades were able to pass... but I don't feel I got enough appreciation for them. When I thought I was good in a class... there would always be someone else who would be far better than me. That alone would cause me to push myself over the edge so I can prove to myself and others that I am actually better at something than anyone else can possibly can.

"El Manana"

Every time I hear the chorus from El Manana by the Gorillaz, "I saw that day. Lost my mind. Lord I'm fine. Maybe in time, you'll be mine," it hits me hard. At first, for years, wasn't really sure why... but just recently today... I see it.

This is what each sentence mean to me personally.

"I saw that day." is the day I saw my crush get out of my sight and grasp. "Lost my mind." is when I started to feel depressed, paranoid, and angry. "Lord I'm fine." was when I was facing a battle of depression and thoughts of suicide, where I was escaping the grasp of suicide and fighting off the depression. ...can't remember what gave me the power though. "Maybe in time, you'll be mine." Is in hopes I may have my childhood crush. Time will tell I guess... for now I'm single as I ever been.

Journal Entry #12

Niece and Nephew visited tonight. Glad this visit was very tolerable... seems I can handle kids when they're not so hyper and screaming their heads off. ...guess I still wouldn't be able to be a good parent... if I ever want to have children that is; currently don't but time may change that. Helped my nephew with math, simplifying fractions. I'm very good in math so tutoring was easy (sort of).

Thoughts of "MLK Day"?

While preparing food for me, Dad asked me a question, "What are your thoughts of MLK Day?" Which also implies to how modern African Americans (A.A.) use their freedom as well.

This is my perspective, try not to take it out of proportion. I have no hate on Africans Americans... but I am slightly paranoid of them (varies on how I first see them in appearance and character).

Does Love Exist for Me?

Feeling a bit depressed right now... just found out the class slut is married and has a 1 year born. Yet another person I know from my class/generation who is engaged/married or had at least one love relationship. ...I know I'm still young and have plenty of time--if I had a dollar every time I heard that phrase, I'd have $50 or so (USD).

I wish I wasn't so shy, nervous, scared, paranoid, judgmental, quiet, boring and depressing in real life when I'm around people I don't know, or barely know; plus I find myself constantly saying stupid depressing things. I may have said this before... but I've tried to be social, lighten up and expand my horizons... but in most cases never catches on. I give one thing a try and I either forget about it or accept it into my life.

"The Five People You Meet In Heaven"

Just saw a heart warming movie, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". Based on the novel from Mitch Albom, author of "Tuesday with Morrie".

It was on the TV my folks were watching when I walked in the room... it really grabbed me, missed a few minutes of it, but minor details is all. It's one of those "heart warming", "gets to you", "possible afterlife path" thought movie. Dad chocked in tears, after the second person of five, on who the protagonist meets in his afterlife to heaven, that between the third and forth... tears were threatening to come from my eyes. It's hard for me to let out emotions, so it was easy to hold them off. Didn't want to show weakness... but that's just a cop out.

At Times, it Hurts to Accept

From Chapter 68: "December", Page 39
By Veronica “Taeshi” Vera

I know I made a similar entry like this back in October (Related to a Character)... but this slightly different. In this final page of the chapter, that ended in December 30th (had to take some time to get my thoughts together), this page reminded me of how I had to accept the truth that "she" wouldn't love me back, that times changed us both, despite how long I had a crush on "her" and how long I waited to see "her" again, with a side of desperation for love.

In this page, Lucy is finally accepting the fact that Mike, whom she had a crush on for years, doesn't have the same feelings for her, and doesn't want to be friends anymore, after a one sided argument with Mike, where Mike finally spoke his feelings about Lucy. (Read the chapter for more details).

While I never had such an argument with my crush... I can still relate to Lucy's reaction and her accepting the truth from what Augustus said to her in the Library.

I am glad my crush... well ex-crush I should have been saying, has found someone she's happy with. I know it's a distance... but I'm glad to know she's still happy with him.