Can't Sleep

It's 5am, tried to sleep at around 3, only got an hour worth of sleep. Too much on my mind, too many doubts about myself. Feel too much like a failure, too much of a curse. Like in a TF2 game: I join one team, we lose; I switch teams, the other team starts to win. It happens too much to be a coincidence. I'm just bad luck around people, even myself.

No matter what decision I make, it's always a bad one. I can't learn from my mistakes. No matter how hard I try I can't get better at anything. I'm too judgmental, too arrogant, too ignorant. I have no respect for others, because it's been difficult for me to give any, just like trust. I don't know how to change for the better, got no one watching over me and showing me what I'm doing wrong. I keep blaming it on others--often I'm right.

E.E. Fan Animation

E.E. Fan Animation

Something I made a few years ago for contest to win a shroomie plushie... it's cute and still in the plastic package it came in... it has a hole in it don't worry. Basically, submit any fan work--art, music, animation, video, etc.--and you enter a chance to win. While mine wasn't showcased in the forums, I was given the reward.


...I do feel guilty me and others got the plushie and afraid that others will be wanting one, when it's going to be impossible now since EER (Earth Eternal Reborn) is closing down, again, due to the company not listening to their community and shooing away their vets and fans, which are accused of the game's downfall last time.


There's more to that... but it's not worth bringing up here.

Many Tries, Getting Worse

By Knux-The-Killer

Seems like no matter how many times I try to get better at something, I always end up getting worse. Wish I new what my talent is... I used to play the recorder during late elementary... but lost interest somehow in it. I'm not very athletic, not very descriptive enough to make stories, be a critic, or something. Don't have much patience for art, can't really sing without my throat getting sore and/or filled with saliva quickly. Not very sociable, difficult to play with.

Easily outspoken, always taken advantage of... not much room for me to speak. Don't have anything to contribute or benefit on. I really got nothing...

One friend says I'm fun... but I just don't see it... if I'm so fun... then why am I rarely invited? This is both depressing and upsetting... "Everyone has a purpose" as the saying goes... apparently I don't have one. 

Journal Entry #10

Haven't made an entry for awhile... guess there hasn't been much to post lately.

For the past week, beaten 3 (out of 4) games that I gotten free from a raffle event from a steam group--yes it's a legit group and the contest was a random pick of two people. Prize condition: Pick any games that lead up to a value of $35 OR one game of $50 value. I picked 4, which was 4 cents away to the max.

1. Puzzler World (Bunch of puzzle games)
2. LIMBO (Indie Noir-like Game)
3. Jolly Rover (Cartoon Adventure Game, good for new players in the genre)
4. Bastion (Epic RPG Game)

Journal Entry #9

Nerf War!

Victor: Who cares? IT WAS FUN!

The youth group (about 5 members from middle to high school, somewhat including me) held a Nerf war at the church tonight, from 5 to 8, for a good 1 1/2 hours (took about an hour for them to set up the area with tables and such). I don't have modern Nerf guns that I could bring to be used in the event, did bring the three I got from 90's and early 2000's. They look good, but the performance is decent to awful. I haven't used them in years, just been on a shelf collecting dust.

"Sadness and Sorrow"

By Hyrika

The King of Sorrow, or KoS for short, is a character from Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil. He only shows at the end of the game, not much is really said about him. However he makes silhouette appearances in the game, asking for help.

He lives alone in a kingdom that was forgotten in the world of Lunatea, covered by the ocean--the veil. (It's been a long time since I've played this game.)

I found this picture from this video, including the song "Sadness and Sorrow v2" (link in the description for the song.) I also found a remake of the song, "Sadness and Sorrow Remake". Seeing this picture and listening to the song, preferable the remake, really hits you hard. It really gives you an image of him wondering around in his forgotten and bizarre kingdom. Wanting something, looking for help--he gets help by entering Klonoa's dreams, calling for help, but not revealing himself who he is.

MJ Case Over, Now Shut Up Dieheart MJ Fans!

The doctor was found guilty... what a joke. Seriously that whole case was a joke! Wasn't the doctor getting paid by MJ anyway? What reason would he have to kill MJ? MJ was sick in the mind soon as he was doing those surgeries to go from black male to white female. Seriously... scapegoat much by majority MJ fans who deny that he may have overdosed himself? The doctor gave him the prescription and MJ was in charge of taking them himself.

A Bother Ni

A lot has happened this week. Basically someone I know was getting paranoid and belligerent to others, also very sensitive that a mere child to a pre-teen would only get angry about. He was blindly and aggressively accusing someone of being someone else that majority of that community disliked/hated (withholding details). Apparently his method was very foolish, only to get this person's attention to clarify. Despite how many times the accused said countless of times he was not this said person, the accuser kept denying it and was "confused" why he was getting angry in the first place when he only wanted an answer, despite his rude and harassing approach.

Observing Others, Excluding Self

By Knux-the-Killer

I've always felt something dangerous is inside of me for years: Rage, anger, hatred, revenge, cold-blood. You name it, it was there. It's still inside of me, sealed by a door that has attempted to break it down to get out and overcome me. To cause harm to those that have caused harm to me, and those who care... but in a violent rampage.

I've been able to keep control of my anger in 4 years of high school, and a year of middle. Not much anger issues lately similar to those events. I can't relax... I don't know the meaning of "Fun"... I don't know what the meaning is to "good" and "calm", nor how to be a friend. Don't even know the meaning of "love" anymore. It's not that I don't know... it's that I don't remember since I've always been in this emo state for years, at soonest 8th grade (roughly 8 years ago). I always keep looking on the negative sides and barely on the positive sides. I'm too damn sarcastic that it puts people down and drives them away from me. Barely anyone have lend a helping hand... but at times that hand is no long available, and I feel alone again, unaware what I did wrong.

TF2 Cheater/hacker Caught On Video

Faced a Team Fortress 2 cheater/hacker in a Halloween event server a few nights ago. Looked through the players I played recent in that last game (was easier to track) and only this one steam account seemed to be connected to it. If you don't have a steam account, you won't be able to view it as s/he has it private to non-steam users. There is links in the descriptions that provides screenshots of his TF2 stats that are stupidly ridiculous. Also, keep the annotation on as I found this person again in a game that he joined for only a few minutes after dying only once. I stayed in spectator till this person left the game, didn't want to be in the game with or against him. The first time I ran into him was when I entered and he was already in-game.

TF2 Cheater "El-presendente" aka "zbealeo"