Feel of a Little Guilt

While I'm having fun on Mabinogi, I have also been lucky as well, or so it feels like, and getting powerful too... however, I seem to have lost track of why I started playing in the first place... to have fun with my friends. Even when they're not online, I am. Guess Mabinogi got me addicted to it.

With the events right now, was able to find items that people would drop on the ground like equipment, or find good weapons and clothes from treasure chests or drops. Even though I know my inventory can't hold so much, I keep finding these things. Selling them though isn't exactly easy since I don't exactly know the market that all well yet and don't know how to sell them either without them taking up space in my inventory.

Right now I feel like I'm leaving a friend behind even though she started roughly before me. So far we're on the same story quest, I like to keep it that way, but I don't want to exceed more than her, but around the same. She is good, but lack of time to play where she lives... and I just continue to progress on further than her. I feel ashamed right now.

1 Lost = 1 Step to Victory

Sigh... I really hate it when I get showed up so easily. I was on another server today, as the usual server was in a game mode I didn't wish to partake in, and well... sigh... I'm still fricken terrible. There was this player named etney.mms. He's a... basically at "god" level at Team Fortress 2. Knows exactly where to hit with the direct hit, very good at dodging on any class, and it's one heck of a challenging player... although I do wish he would ease up a bit, making the game hard enough than it should be.

I'm not gonna lie, with him getting a high accuracy with that direct hit, I was suspecting aimbotting, but was proved wrong as I didn't seen him actually twitch around, he just has very good aim and reflexes. Sigh... it's people like these that make me depressed that I still suck at something.

Doing All the Work

Do you ever get those moments where it feels like you're doing all the work for your team whether it's in gaming, business, event, etc.? I get those too when I'm on a poor stacked team of players in TF2. It's very frustrating.

I know it's just a game and all... but I don't like to lose by getting bulldozed. If the round was more evenly matched and tense, I wouldn't mind if we lose or not. I don't want it too easy either. I like a challenge, but not an impossible one at least.

If  I see too many experience and/or hardcore players in the server, depending on how the teams are laid out, I may or may not join in the game but spectate a bit. Easy matches bore me (along with lack of players) and highly difficult matches will just frustrate me to no end.

Stereotypical Hardcore Players

When it comes to playing games that allow co-op, multi, and mmo playing options, you tend to run into hardcore gamers. Personal definition is: players who make things intense for others and may ruin the fun of the game for others. They may also have an attitude to constantly put down new/low experience players to the game. May also have a trait of showing off and rubbing in that they're great, or in some cases look better, in the game.

Music In a Cavern

For over a year now, I've been helping in Alpha testing a MMORPG called Antilia. It's a dream come true for me. It's a very wonderful game, especially with a wonderful community right now. The background music is good, loops perfectly, very calm, soothing, and not over the top or quickly boring - however has in the past caused me and a few others to fall sleep, I call it "Jigglypuff Music".

Feels of a Call

Lately, I've get these feelings that something is calling me... not just anything, but the school district I graduated from. So far the calls have only been wanting me to take a walk to the elementary school I went to, behind a fence, and look at it. Same with the high school, but on top of a hill at a local church. Haven't gotten any callings from the middle school, however.

I don't know if I should ignore these or... just take a walk to those two places when they call. I could use some air anyway. Who knows... if I visit them, meaning looking at them from a distance and reminisce, I may find something in my mind for closure or fix on how I remember. It is summer break so... got plenty of time.

Old Song, Sad Memories, Future Hope

On the way home from church, this old song, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts, was playing on the radio.  I haven't heard this song in... several years.

Sad memories came to my mind while this was being played. A girl I had a crush on, but couldn't admit my love to her. She then moves away by 8th grade, and I felt alone, filled with regret for not saying anything to her.

Am I to Blame...?

Throughout today, my stomach has been feeling uneasy and have a little trouble breathing. I don't know what it is. Not nervousness, not hunger, not guilt.

I eventually went outside, mom's suggestion after telling her about this as the day went on, to get some fresh air... I think it helped.

Long Wait for any Invitations

While writing my last entry, this other bother came to mind. I had to cut out whatever I had and rewrite it a bit.

I've always long to be invited to events or activities while in school from students or friends able to persuade me enough to get evolve in any that I don't usually do or had any interest in. I remember some students tried before, but that included rapping or working out majority wise. Eventually I was never invited to anything... school plays, dances, bon fires, games, concerts etc. Even though I may not enjoy them... I wouldn't mind going for a friend. As long as my friend is having fun or enjoying it, that's all for me. Bonus if I enjoyed it too.

If Only I Was Brave

A webcomic page from Roomies (have to start from here) has brought another bother to me. As a child I wasn't very brave... always shy and scared. Couldn't even stand up for myself. I always doubted myself and let it get to me. I don't recall any chances of being brave, or maybe I'm just blocking them out so I won't feel guilty of being a coward. Either way... haven't really seen any chances to show any braveness in me. I don't even know if I have any!

I can't help but wonder that... if I did, or could, show any braveness... I would probably have a chance to get a girlfriend, or at least a long time friend... a true friend. I know I have one right now, but it's not exactly the same as I wanted, but it's something to keep me going at least.

Can't help but feel it's too late for me to show any braveness now... or that there never was a chance for me.

Feel So Lost

I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.

Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.

Suddenly Feel at Peace

By Sam

I don't know why or how, but I feel at peace with everything. Like a great weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Feel free and happy. I don't want to worry about the cause of this, but I want to enjoy every moment of this for as long as I can.

I believe the song "Fix Me" by 10 Years may be a key to this of me feeling so... calm and collected. It could also be the early June like temperatures (70's with cool winds). Either way, I'm glad I'm feeling this.

I want this to last forever. I don't want to feel paranoid, to feel scared, to be afraid of a lot of things, to shy away from people and end up pushing people away.

I think I'm finally understand the world and how it works. I think I may have finally began to... accept it. While I still don't know my place in this world, this is a huge step regardless. Bigger than you think. I've been denying and refusing the world for so long. All I needed was... a second view of it, after wanting some space for myself, to gain control for my life. Viewing it at first while under the stress of school and grades didn't have a good outcome. I couldn't... I wouldn't accept it. Yet, I feel I finally have after so many years.

A Few Bothers

Warning: Please do not let children read this. This is a dark entry that would scar them for life. Also, not for sensitive people. This does question religion in the afterlife beliefs. If you're very religious and know your mind set in the possible afterlife, please do not read this entry. I do not wish to ruin anyone's mind set. This is just a ponder for open minds.

Every night, for about a month or so, I feel insecure and afraid. I couldn't figure out why... but after reading more of a fan-fiction called "My Little Dashie" that a friend showed me--and I quote from Rainbow Dash herself "Darn it! Now you got me acting all sappy."--it has dawned on me.

My Stuffed Animals

When I was a kid, and didn't had any friends to turn to for comfort or to vent, I would talk to my stuffed animals, especially my favorite "Mr. Bear." A stuffed teddy bear with a Hard Rock shirt on. He felt like the only friend for me at that time, that cared and listen. However the lack of life didn't really help much. Cleo, the cat, was able to do the comforting.

Eventually, by the time I entered High School, I put him and my other stuffed animals I used to sleep with in bed in the closet. I had to convince myself I couldn't rely on stuffed animals for advice and comfort in my entire life. Had to try to make real friends this time. I had friends as a kid... but couldn't really open up to them as they didn't really care. They couldn't understand either. Eventually I felt abandoned by them. Did make new friends, but like I said many times, couldn't really open up to them, in fear I would be a burden to them and abandon me. Didn't have them in any of my classes in High School anyway.

I still have my stuffed animals in the closet to this day. They mean too much to me to give away.

Even though I have great friends I can only talk to online, wish I had some in person.

My Learning Skill: Not Able to Improve with Others

As I sit here, listening to early tracks of the Gorlliaz like "Feel Good Inc." "Kids With Guns" "El Manana" "19/2000 (Soulchild remix)" (Original here) that I would listen to back in my early years of high school, and possibly 8th grade in middle school, has me thinking about my learning skills

Seems during my 13 years of school... I have always felt rushed, not to do my best... but to BE the best... to always get the best grades. Eventually I was doing okay in school... but by the time I got to middle school... I felt like I was lagging behind. Sure my grades were able to pass... but I don't feel I got enough appreciation for them. When I thought I was good in a class... there would always be someone else who would be far better than me. That alone would cause me to push myself over the edge so I can prove to myself and others that I am actually better at something than anyone else can possibly can.

"El Manana"

Every time I hear the chorus from El Manana by the Gorillaz, "I saw that day. Lost my mind. Lord I'm fine. Maybe in time, you'll be mine," it hits me hard. At first, for years, wasn't really sure why... but just recently today... I see it.

This is what each sentence mean to me personally.

"I saw that day." is the day I saw my crush get out of my sight and grasp. "Lost my mind." is when I started to feel depressed, paranoid, and angry. "Lord I'm fine." was when I was facing a battle of depression and thoughts of suicide, where I was escaping the grasp of suicide and fighting off the depression. ...can't remember what gave me the power though. "Maybe in time, you'll be mine." Is in hopes I may have my childhood crush. Time will tell I guess... for now I'm single as I ever been.

Thoughts of "MLK Day"?

While preparing food for me, Dad asked me a question, "What are your thoughts of MLK Day?" Which also implies to how modern African Americans (A.A.) use their freedom as well.

This is my perspective, try not to take it out of proportion. I have no hate on Africans Americans... but I am slightly paranoid of them (varies on how I first see them in appearance and character).

Does Love Exist for Me?

Feeling a bit depressed right now... just found out the class slut is married and has a 1 year born. Yet another person I know from my class/generation who is engaged/married or had at least one love relationship. ...I know I'm still young and have plenty of time--if I had a dollar every time I heard that phrase, I'd have $50 or so (USD).

I wish I wasn't so shy, nervous, scared, paranoid, judgmental, quiet, boring and depressing in real life when I'm around people I don't know, or barely know; plus I find myself constantly saying stupid depressing things. I may have said this before... but I've tried to be social, lighten up and expand my horizons... but in most cases never catches on. I give one thing a try and I either forget about it or accept it into my life.

"The Five People You Meet In Heaven"

Just saw a heart warming movie, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven". Based on the novel from Mitch Albom, author of "Tuesday with Morrie".

It was on the TV my folks were watching when I walked in the room... it really grabbed me, missed a few minutes of it, but minor details is all. It's one of those "heart warming", "gets to you", "possible afterlife path" thought movie. Dad chocked in tears, after the second person of five, on who the protagonist meets in his afterlife to heaven, that between the third and forth... tears were threatening to come from my eyes. It's hard for me to let out emotions, so it was easy to hold them off. Didn't want to show weakness... but that's just a cop out.

At Times, it Hurts to Accept

From Chapter 68: "December", Page 39
By Veronica “Taeshi” Vera

I know I made a similar entry like this back in October (Related to a Character)... but this slightly different. In this final page of the chapter, that ended in December 30th (had to take some time to get my thoughts together), this page reminded me of how I had to accept the truth that "she" wouldn't love me back, that times changed us both, despite how long I had a crush on "her" and how long I waited to see "her" again, with a side of desperation for love.

In this page, Lucy is finally accepting the fact that Mike, whom she had a crush on for years, doesn't have the same feelings for her, and doesn't want to be friends anymore, after a one sided argument with Mike, where Mike finally spoke his feelings about Lucy. (Read the chapter for more details).

While I never had such an argument with my crush... I can still relate to Lucy's reaction and her accepting the truth from what Augustus said to her in the Library.

I am glad my crush... well ex-crush I should have been saying, has found someone she's happy with. I know it's a distance... but I'm glad to know she's still happy with him.