When I Was Actually Happy and Free of Thoughts

By Anialator

Seeing this fan-picture of Mike and Lucy, during middle school years I believe it is taking place, being friends back then, reminded me of something... something of my past that I've long forgotten.

I wasn't always thinking, so paranoid, so judgemental, so tense. I was more happy, carefree, and not thinking so much. Even had fun.

I wonder now where all that has gone... how I am right now today... just isn't working out for me. Too late for me to go back to being happy and such. I've tried... but my current state just overcomes it easily.

This Year's Christmas Presents

1. Mirror's Edge (PC)*
2. "Watchmen"
3. Razor Set (since I always borrowed dad's)
4. Blue Nike Long Sleeve Shirt (For around the house)
5. Black Adiddas Sweat Pants (For around the house)
6. Food: Beef Sasuages, Dried Fruit Bars (organic, various flavors, various brands), Fruit Snacks

4 from the folks, 1 from a friend. To be honest, this is a lot compared to how the economy is. 4 to me at this time would be like 8-10 when I was little.

Journal Entry #11

By Vicse

Went to my grandpa's 81st birthday... can't shake the feeling it might be his last though. When the pastor came over, was invited... I felt a slight chill of death approaching soon.

Anyway, I wasn't that all cheerful. I wasn't depressed... but just bummed. College for starters... I really want to call it quits and find some source of income, as getting a job will be sorta difficult for me. I know I will have to leave my comfort zone...but one of the steps will just be too big me to make alone. I want to work with someone I know well enough, that will give me a good start of having a job. I don't do well around strangers that I don't know... I try to open up, but always get a chill of loneliness. I know I can't be in my shell forever... but due to past experiences, I'm too cautious and paranoid. I want to have a job where I have to interact with few people as possible.

The Proportion Explosioner

Just ignore whatever ____ says. You're better off not listening to anything he says these days... he's been blowing things out of proportion for about a month, and tends to mostly exaggerate everything.

I was letting someone know not to take a certain someone serious... as always, the certain someone, once again, blew it out of proportion when it's merely a fact about him. Same guy who finds "Frick" offensive and who also called me cancer, although he denies it, still.

Team Fortress 2: Funny Pyro Blast Story

There's a funny story behind these kills. As I was in the process of re-spawning, I looked through the cameras in spectator mode to see where the enemy case was in our intel room. I noticed a solider was down there, so I switched to pyro.

Can't Sleep

It's 5am, tried to sleep at around 3, only got an hour worth of sleep. Too much on my mind, too many doubts about myself. Feel too much like a failure, too much of a curse. Like in a TF2 game: I join one team, we lose; I switch teams, the other team starts to win. It happens too much to be a coincidence. I'm just bad luck around people, even myself.

No matter what decision I make, it's always a bad one. I can't learn from my mistakes. No matter how hard I try I can't get better at anything. I'm too judgmental, too arrogant, too ignorant. I have no respect for others, because it's been difficult for me to give any, just like trust. I don't know how to change for the better, got no one watching over me and showing me what I'm doing wrong. I keep blaming it on others--often I'm right.

E.E. Fan Animation

E.E. Fan Animation

Something I made a few years ago for contest to win a shroomie plushie... it's cute and still in the plastic package it came in... it has a hole in it don't worry. Basically, submit any fan work--art, music, animation, video, etc.--and you enter a chance to win. While mine wasn't showcased in the forums, I was given the reward.


...I do feel guilty me and others got the plushie and afraid that others will be wanting one, when it's going to be impossible now since EER (Earth Eternal Reborn) is closing down, again, due to the company not listening to their community and shooing away their vets and fans, which are accused of the game's downfall last time.


There's more to that... but it's not worth bringing up here.

Many Tries, Getting Worse

By Knux-The-Killer

Seems like no matter how many times I try to get better at something, I always end up getting worse. Wish I new what my talent is... I used to play the recorder during late elementary... but lost interest somehow in it. I'm not very athletic, not very descriptive enough to make stories, be a critic, or something. Don't have much patience for art, can't really sing without my throat getting sore and/or filled with saliva quickly. Not very sociable, difficult to play with.

Easily outspoken, always taken advantage of... not much room for me to speak. Don't have anything to contribute or benefit on. I really got nothing...

One friend says I'm fun... but I just don't see it... if I'm so fun... then why am I rarely invited? This is both depressing and upsetting... "Everyone has a purpose" as the saying goes... apparently I don't have one. 

Journal Entry #10

Haven't made an entry for awhile... guess there hasn't been much to post lately.

For the past week, beaten 3 (out of 4) games that I gotten free from a raffle event from a steam group--yes it's a legit group and the contest was a random pick of two people. Prize condition: Pick any games that lead up to a value of $35 OR one game of $50 value. I picked 4, which was 4 cents away to the max.

1. Puzzler World (Bunch of puzzle games)
2. LIMBO (Indie Noir-like Game)
3. Jolly Rover (Cartoon Adventure Game, good for new players in the genre)
4. Bastion (Epic RPG Game)

Journal Entry #9

Nerf War!

Victor: Who cares? IT WAS FUN!

The youth group (about 5 members from middle to high school, somewhat including me) held a Nerf war at the church tonight, from 5 to 8, for a good 1 1/2 hours (took about an hour for them to set up the area with tables and such). I don't have modern Nerf guns that I could bring to be used in the event, did bring the three I got from 90's and early 2000's. They look good, but the performance is decent to awful. I haven't used them in years, just been on a shelf collecting dust.

"Sadness and Sorrow"

By Hyrika

The King of Sorrow, or KoS for short, is a character from Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil. He only shows at the end of the game, not much is really said about him. However he makes silhouette appearances in the game, asking for help.

He lives alone in a kingdom that was forgotten in the world of Lunatea, covered by the ocean--the veil. (It's been a long time since I've played this game.)

I found this picture from this video, including the song "Sadness and Sorrow v2" (link in the description for the song.) I also found a remake of the song, "Sadness and Sorrow Remake". Seeing this picture and listening to the song, preferable the remake, really hits you hard. It really gives you an image of him wondering around in his forgotten and bizarre kingdom. Wanting something, looking for help--he gets help by entering Klonoa's dreams, calling for help, but not revealing himself who he is.

MJ Case Over, Now Shut Up Dieheart MJ Fans!

The doctor was found guilty... what a joke. Seriously that whole case was a joke! Wasn't the doctor getting paid by MJ anyway? What reason would he have to kill MJ? MJ was sick in the mind soon as he was doing those surgeries to go from black male to white female. Seriously... scapegoat much by majority MJ fans who deny that he may have overdosed himself? The doctor gave him the prescription and MJ was in charge of taking them himself.

A Bother Ni

A lot has happened this week. Basically someone I know was getting paranoid and belligerent to others, also very sensitive that a mere child to a pre-teen would only get angry about. He was blindly and aggressively accusing someone of being someone else that majority of that community disliked/hated (withholding details). Apparently his method was very foolish, only to get this person's attention to clarify. Despite how many times the accused said countless of times he was not this said person, the accuser kept denying it and was "confused" why he was getting angry in the first place when he only wanted an answer, despite his rude and harassing approach.

Observing Others, Excluding Self

By Knux-the-Killer

I've always felt something dangerous is inside of me for years: Rage, anger, hatred, revenge, cold-blood. You name it, it was there. It's still inside of me, sealed by a door that has attempted to break it down to get out and overcome me. To cause harm to those that have caused harm to me, and those who care... but in a violent rampage.

I've been able to keep control of my anger in 4 years of high school, and a year of middle. Not much anger issues lately similar to those events. I can't relax... I don't know the meaning of "Fun"... I don't know what the meaning is to "good" and "calm", nor how to be a friend. Don't even know the meaning of "love" anymore. It's not that I don't know... it's that I don't remember since I've always been in this emo state for years, at soonest 8th grade (roughly 8 years ago). I always keep looking on the negative sides and barely on the positive sides. I'm too damn sarcastic that it puts people down and drives them away from me. Barely anyone have lend a helping hand... but at times that hand is no long available, and I feel alone again, unaware what I did wrong.

TF2 Cheater/hacker Caught On Video

Faced a Team Fortress 2 cheater/hacker in a Halloween event server a few nights ago. Looked through the players I played recent in that last game (was easier to track) and only this one steam account seemed to be connected to it. If you don't have a steam account, you won't be able to view it as s/he has it private to non-steam users. There is links in the descriptions that provides screenshots of his TF2 stats that are stupidly ridiculous. Also, keep the annotation on as I found this person again in a game that he joined for only a few minutes after dying only once. I stayed in spectator till this person left the game, didn't want to be in the game with or against him. The first time I ran into him was when I entered and he was already in-game.

TF2 Cheater "El-presendente" aka "zbealeo"

Journal Entry #8

Just took Grandma to a few stops, since Grandpa isn't feeling very well that he wasn't able to drive. Pharmacy, Bank, and Grocery Store in that order. It was a bit nervous as I was driving on streets I wasn't familiar with, plus first time I had a passenger in my car.

Despite it being nervous, I needed to get out anyway. It was good drive, despite having to drive on the highway with two oversized vehicles: some sort of house and construction mobile being transfered on the way to her complex.

It was fun I suppose. I'm trying to recapture the meaning of fun... but I think it was. :)

Unlisted Video

Great Timing Between Vent and Gaming
This happened in spring... it was just the timing of the rant and the game that I found hilarious. XD The rant is really nothing now... old drama basically that is now dead.

This video is by me, by the way. Note: It is loud!

Related to a Character



From Chapter 68: December, Page 11
By  Veronica “Taeshi” Vera

I find it a bit creepy how I can fully relate to this character in this page alone. I have before been relating to Augustus for a few chapters ago... but this really hit it exactly.

About that girl I had a crush on... well like Augustus, I also have come to terms that she doesn't have the same feelings for me as I did for her years ago. It does hurt me to see her with someone else... but from what I can tell, she's happy with him. While I don't see her often, I do keep track of her via facebook. They had their ups and downs... but they're engaged and planning to get married by spring, by the time her baby is born--she has a step daughter, the bf's daughter, that is in her kid age I assume.

A Bother...

A cousin of mine posted on facebook a picture of her son in a bathtub with pink-shampoo on his head that looks like a top hat. My main concern is that someone may use this as child pornography. I don't know what her privacy settings are at, but the way the picture was taken, just a tad bit below the waist line, but not showing anything that would really classify as pornography, really has me concerned. I showed this to my parents, Dad sorta bluntly said "It's fine" however Mom did understand my concern and said "Trust that your cousin has her privacy settings set correctly."

Journal Entry #7

So bored... another day of 12 hours of sleep, 5am to 5pm... I really gotta find a hobby.

Found out I'm not able to recorde Java games very well. Minecraft (Classic) and Spiral Knights (for examples) I get a FPS of <10, while on games like L4D2 (on the lowest resolution, intel graphics card ftl) I get around 30, which is decent to most gamers I suppose. Wanted to do a video of me playing Minecraft, but I guess 4GB of ram won't cut it since Java, I heard takes a lot of ram and Fraps needs a lot of ram as well. Guess I'll think of something else or something... Still want Minecraft though.

Journal Entry #6

My demand for minecraft is very high right now. If only they would take freaking Discover card! It's the only one I have... even though it's under my parents' account, I still have the money myself to purchase the game. Really want it... just wish I could find a way to get it myself. I don't feel comfortable getting it as a gift, espcially since a close friend of mine wants it too and I really want to play it with her. She does have a job, eventually going back to it... maybe, and a possible way of getting it; she just needs money first. (Getting it from a contest or something, I wouldn't really mind myself).

BCB now has a Tumblr

A webcomic I follow now has a tumblr, mainly for laughs and giggles. Have to know the comic well enough to get the jokes.
Ask Roseville High

I'm not really sure how Tumblr works... or if it's just another blog site. o.o

Journal Entry #5

Just pulled a stupid move tonight. Drove to the college for my night class, by the time I got there I noticed a lack of cars, like 3/4 not in the parking lots. I parked temporarly to think about this... then I remembered, NO CLASSES TODAY!

"Lying From You"

By Flare

"I remember what they taught to me. Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be. Remember listening to all of that and this again, so I pretended up a person who was fittin’ in and now you think this person really is me and I’m trying to bend the truth, but the more I push the more I'm pulled away 'cause I'm lying my way from you."

Don't know where to start on this... Sometime in middle school I was getting tired of being pushed around. Eventually, I made up a person that would look tough and not to be messed with. Apparently I dwelld into that person too much as I was sorta liking the results, even though it did cost a huge sacrifice: friends and comfort. Ended up in isolation and solitude.

"No Child Left Behind"

Even though a political issue is brought up on this entry, along with a bit of religion, please do not engage in either debates of politics or religion. Take that somewhere else please, not here. I don't recommend reading this entry via a small resolution screen phone.

While running the sound board for the church Sunday morning, I was listening to the sermon the pastor spoke. Mainly, it was about the "No Child Left Behind" law. I have the sermon he spoke at church--he types it and prints it out, has it ready on the podium to read to the members of the church when it's time. The sermon is four pages long (average length of at least 30 minutes), but I'll only transcript out the first two pages, as the rest is not needed for this entry. (If you want to know the rest of the sermon, I'll make a separate entry for it or e-mail it if I know you.)

One: Place, Memory, Pain

By Ark

One Place,

One Memory,

One Pain.

This is a new picture I found. I'm sure everyone has a place that brings back a memory, and maybe bring some pain to those memories. Happy moments that went away and longing for those again, wishing they never stopped or continue to last forever, because they made you happy and calm inside.

Fireflies

By Kaizy

Seeing this picture while listening to "Fireflies" by Owl City really brings a deep impact to you. Would like to hear from people what they see when that song is played at the sametime see this picture.

(In case you can't see the video due to Vevo's restrictions: "Fireflies" by Owl City (Lyrics))

Choices: We Make, Make Us

By Ark

Something about this picture speaks to me.

"You know they say we all make choices... but in the end... our choices make us..."

Gonna have to dig very deep in this one to understand why it speaks to me. Let's see...

Question right now is, what am I now? In a few simple words: Lonely, Quiet, Distant.

Journal Entry #4

Sigh... in a bit of a quandry here... The instructor for Geology 101 is nice... but the way she teaches the class has now caused me to fall asleep, happened Tuesday night, and deeply lose interest during the lectures. As for the labs, after a 10-15 minute break from the lectures... well my lab partner dropped out (reasons unknown, was fun to be with too) so at times I work with another pair who are at around my age but more freash out of highschool with the characteristics of being a college bachalor, but even with their help I can't indentify rocks/minerals alone and that was part of that lab test a few weeks ago, to identify rocks/minerals alone for 3 minutes per, which I gotten a D in. Did better in the lab test than the lecture test, which was an F... couldn't bring myself to study without getting frustrated. I pretty much have no solid study habits.

No Motivation

As I look at my Geology homework that is due Tuesday, along with an overdue assignment, I just sigh and look away from it, not bothering to mess with it. My reason? I still have no motivation to do it... A close friend of mine asked me "What drives you?" and my answer is, "I don't know." A friend of mine linked Steve Job's speech for Harvard back in 2005, in Free Time With No One, while it did speak to me, it didn't stick to me. The same close friend has motivation for college, because she knows what she wants to do in life. As for me... I still don't know, which doesn't give me any self motivation at all to go to college.

Journal Entry #3

Off to see my counsin's newborn today. First saw it on facebook when I was eating cereal... seeing the picture of the newborn in destress on the "baby table", after it comes out of the womb, wasn't a pretty sight for me while eating. Had to scroll down fast to prevent puking.

"In The End"

These lyrics, so far in the the song "In the End" by Linkin Park, speaks to me, harder than they did years ago.

Trying to hold on, but didn’t even know I wasted it all just to watch you go. I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart. What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

Free Time With No One

Got all this free time and nothing to spend it on... thought I finally found it from Rusty Hearts but due to PWE's error and their poor customer support, I now have nothing to do.

Journal Entry #2

Just gotten a response from them today... took them a week. Got my account back now.

Troubled Waters

by Mrsaturn123

This is a picture of Lucy, from Bittersweet Candy Bowl, falling head first into a body of water. Lucy cannot swim, and also has a phobia of water--lakes, rivers, oceans (fine on beaches), etc.--after an incident when she was a kitty. (Chapter 30: Troubled Waters) Looking at this picture, and at the same time listening to Linkin Park's "My December", really hits a person hard.

Listening to the song's lyrics and scrolling down on the picture (in full size) very slowly really prints an image in your mind of how she is in this picture.

This is what I picture. She's walking by a river, 10 feet away from the edge of it, hugging herself, tears falling, trying to hide her emotions of crying. She may have had another memory loop of Mike, who have been friends since childhood and an old crush, wishing they were still friends and that he would talk to her again.* She looks at the river, slowly walks towards it, tighten her hands on her arms, due to getting close to the water. She gets a vision of the water rising like a wave, to five stories high. She panics, and then faints, falling forward towards the river, doing deeper into the river.

You may have a different or similar image than mine, but no matter what image you get, as long as you vision one while listening to that song, it'll be a deep impact.

This image also reminds me of the intro from Kingdom Hearts.

Like a Maze

The song "My December" by Linkin Park really speaks to me. I honestly don't have a path for myself. Two years after graduating from high school and I'm still at a dead end in this maze of life. My friends and other people I met have managed to progress into the maze, while I'm left behind to find the right path. I was never able to catch up to my other classmates in terms of education, interests, and/or activities. Since early 8th grade, I felt abandoned, forgotten, and alone. I would follow crowds to fill in the lonelyness, but eventually they would be able to ditch me in the maze. I tried to catch up, but eventually I lost them, back to square one: walk through the maze alone. Dead end after dead end, I slowly gave up hope for myself.

Journal Entry #1

A friend suggested I make a blog, after reading my latest notes on facebook that she found them "thoughtful and deep". Also been "interesting" for her to read. Few of my friends also find that as well, at least the ones that tell me that.


Not sure how frequent I'll be with entries... still not sure what to put on here either. Something will come up eventually... but for now, this entry will do as a starter.