Observing Others, Excluding Self

By Knux-the-Killer

I've always felt something dangerous is inside of me for years: Rage, anger, hatred, revenge, cold-blood. You name it, it was there. It's still inside of me, sealed by a door that has attempted to break it down to get out and overcome me. To cause harm to those that have caused harm to me, and those who care... but in a violent rampage.

I've been able to keep control of my anger in 4 years of high school, and a year of middle. Not much anger issues lately similar to those events. I can't relax... I don't know the meaning of "Fun"... I don't know what the meaning is to "good" and "calm", nor how to be a friend. Don't even know the meaning of "love" anymore. It's not that I don't know... it's that I don't remember since I've always been in this emo state for years, at soonest 8th grade (roughly 8 years ago). I always keep looking on the negative sides and barely on the positive sides. I'm too damn sarcastic that it puts people down and drives them away from me. Barely anyone have lend a helping hand... but at times that hand is no long available, and I feel alone again, unaware what I did wrong.


I'm always observant of what people do and I try to do similar to it to get some friends...while at times it does work, it never really lasts long enough for me. Eventually I get detached from them, either by them or by me. It's hard for me to learn from my mistakes as other people who do my "mistakes" get good results, while I always get the bad results. While I'm observant on others, I'm not observant on myself, and no one is doing a good job being an observant on me.

After hearing my voice after doing a co-op recording of Portal 2--planning to upload them soon--I noticed that my voice is very... subtle and boring, it even puts me asleep and want to walk away from myself. I've always been easy to be over talked upon, especially by my family members and friends. It really discourages me to talk at all... wish I was mute, be better off that way. Not many people want to hear me anyway... besides all I say are just negative things.


As one person called me very bluntly: Cancer. First time being called that... and that really hurts. Been called worse things... but that's just the worst.