Can't Sleep

It's 5am, tried to sleep at around 3, only got an hour worth of sleep. Too much on my mind, too many doubts about myself. Feel too much like a failure, too much of a curse. Like in a TF2 game: I join one team, we lose; I switch teams, the other team starts to win. It happens too much to be a coincidence. I'm just bad luck around people, even myself.

No matter what decision I make, it's always a bad one. I can't learn from my mistakes. No matter how hard I try I can't get better at anything. I'm too judgmental, too arrogant, too ignorant. I have no respect for others, because it's been difficult for me to give any, just like trust. I don't know how to change for the better, got no one watching over me and showing me what I'm doing wrong. I keep blaming it on others--often I'm right.

Can't really fend for myself either. Too lazy, just leeching off of my parents and taking every great opportunity (college, a great moment to kill an enemy, time with friends) for granted. Get distracted too easily. Can't even study without getting frustrated and/or distracted.

Currently suffering insomnia, really need to fix my sleeping hours, along with other things like hygiene and appearances.

I'm constantly behind a shield of doubt and fear when I should be using my sword of courage and confidence. A friend of mine has said to me several times "You can only do the best you can." Just wish my parents could accept that... because I only feel doubtful about myself that I can't do anything right around them.

I know they're doing what's best for me... but no matter how many times they try, I just can't see any benefit on anything they do for me. Even when they explain it I just omit it by default. I want something out of something good I do... but I rarely do. Been running the sound board for the church for years and I'm not getting anything out of it. Dad "volunteered" me for it... it's feeling more like a chore than volunteer work. Don't really enjoy it.

Guess the only good I am is being a tool for others then forgotten for awhile...