Journal Entry #11

By Vicse

Went to my grandpa's 81st birthday... can't shake the feeling it might be his last though. When the pastor came over, was invited... I felt a slight chill of death approaching soon.

Anyway, I wasn't that all cheerful. I wasn't depressed... but just bummed. College for starters... I really want to call it quits and find some source of income, as getting a job will be sorta difficult for me. I know I will have to leave my comfort zone...but one of the steps will just be too big me to make alone. I want to work with someone I know well enough, that will give me a good start of having a job. I don't do well around strangers that I don't know... I try to open up, but always get a chill of loneliness. I know I can't be in my shell forever... but due to past experiences, I'm too cautious and paranoid. I want to have a job where I have to interact with few people as possible.

My sister, who appears to be the only one in my family that has been taking notice of my uneasiness for a long time, a year or something, took notice of the bum look in my face. Her husband helps her keep tabs of me, which is fine by me... since my other family members don't seem to acknowledge my pain well enough to care or understand. I talked to her about my issue with college and how I can't take the stress of it, and that I don't know how to break it to the folks yet. Especially since I overheard my cousins are doing well in college... when I'm doing very poor. Makes me feel like I'm the black sheep of the family. Also told my sister that I find school as an enemy--since she read my little autobiography that I wrote in March this year, she knows what I mean. While I gain so little from school... a lot is taken from me: love, hope, care. Plus told my sister of how I tried to connect with the students... but none could be made. Told her I'm tired of doing the homework alone... I know she wants to help... but the problem of me asking for help is narrowing the question. My questions for help are too board that it wouldn't help me at all. Especially if it's a subject that I can't really get into.

I'm just not suitable for college. High School never prepared me for this... or life. I'm getting scared of school and life as time goes by, since college is starting to feel like high school again for me: loneliness for starters.

My sister suggested I come over some time, play some games with her family. Since her kids are not so loud and annoying (thankfully for me), I will put it to thought, as I'm going to need to find something to get out of the house more often... since there really isn't much to really down offline.

She's pretty much the only family member that understands my pain, as she has been through it as well, more or less. Even though she wasn't really there for me when I was a kid, and when she used to live in this house... she wants to make up for it. She's really determined and patience for me.

I just hope that if I do come over to their home for games that my anger will stay in check, and I'll actually have fun. I really need to relearn the meaning of "Fun".