A Few Bothers

Warning: Please do not let children read this. This is a dark entry that would scar them for life. Also, not for sensitive people. This does question religion in the afterlife beliefs. If you're very religious and know your mind set in the possible afterlife, please do not read this entry. I do not wish to ruin anyone's mind set. This is just a ponder for open minds.

Every night, for about a month or so, I feel insecure and afraid. I couldn't figure out why... but after reading more of a fan-fiction called "My Little Dashie" that a friend showed me--and I quote from Rainbow Dash herself "Darn it! Now you got me acting all sappy."--it has dawned on me.

I've been having dreams and thoughts that fit in the categories of closure and death (in general). I just can't stop wonder what death is like in a person... I'm not a religious person, keep in mind. I keep seeing death as... the end, eternal darkness that you can not see or know. Like when you go to sleep or take a nap, you don't know how long you've been in that darkness till you wake up and see the time or someone tells you how long you've been asleep or took a nap. And death is something that you never wake up from... I just can't stop trying to picture it. ...it's scaring me.

Do we really have souls? If so, do they get lifted up to heaven (or dragged down to hell)? Either way... I just don't know what to believe these days in the topic of death.

Every night I get more scared and paranoid about death. As if... the angel of death is gonna pay a visit to me and/or my family... like it's lurking. I already lost my great source of comfort, our cat Cleo, now all I got is my childhood teddy bear for comfort. Yeah I know... it's pathetic for an adult to rely on plush for comfort. I don't have anyone physically for comfort these days... never had far as I know. Maybe I did and didn't realize it... or didn't accept it... I don't know. I'm just in a desperate need for one right now... but none come to mind. They're all busy with their lives that I hate to interfere or maybe ruin their plans... or fear to be a huge burden to them.

I'm trying not to dwell in death... but it just happens, among other dark thoughts, when I got nothing to do that is a top priority or something to distract my mind for days (that isn't annoying or irritating).

...I don't even know if I'm really okay anymore. At day I'm fine, and a bit bored in most cases, but at night... I feel insecure and scared for my life and people I know around me. I'm trying to keep myself going... but I don't know if I'm getting better in life or not... and can't think of anymore bright sides in my life either.