Journal Entry #14

Just realized I haven't made a post in almost a month. Nothing to really write about these days... well except for one thing.

For a few days, I had an issue with my left ear. Ear wax build up basically that I couldn't hear well out of that ear. Someone had to take my place to run the sound board last Sunday morning since monitoring volumes and cues will be difficult with only one ear working properly. I did want one person to run it, but apparently he didn't feel comfortable running it alone yet, but luckily someone else did. Glad Dad understood my concern about me running it that Sunday. Felt I needed a good break anyway.

Although, the day after I realized something. Seems running the sound board is my only purpose at this time. I don't know if that's good or sad... maybe both. Usually my everyday goal back in school, before college, was to work hard to graduate and to get away from majority of the student body. Even though I didn't want to graduate from that school district... either way I reached that long goal, which I set back in 8th grade, fall 2005. Almost 3 years since I graduated and I'm realized something... I made a mistake.

All those years in school... I wanted to get away from it all: the students, the district, the stress and pressure of grades and such. I just couldn't find my place back then for me! But today... I still feel misplaced. I always thought graduating would give me a chance to find my element.

Well I tried for 2 years in college... but couldn't grasp the education anymore after a year. I only end up frustrating myself with barely any progress done in the school work. Mainly because I couldn't see a purpose, a reason, for all this. Not anymore. I used to had a few... but they were out of my grasp, yet again. Just when I had a chance, it leaves early.

I still don't have the will to go back to school... the impression CSD4 left me is... well... basically left a haunting scar. I'm afraid to go back to school without feeling alone; it's very difficult to find someone with common interests. I was usually a loner in my school days before college... half by self choice. I'm used it, but still, I'm afraid to get hurt again... to feel unimportant. I'm even afraid to speak out without being put on the spot! I get too nervous and shy to speak when I get on the spot; I was usually quiet back in school as well... as much as I could anyway. When all eyes are on me... I get nervous and look away, trying not to draw attention to myself. I know my parents didn't mean for any of this to happen to me... but they just happened.

It's been almost 3 years since I graduated from high school and I still haven't found any clue of what to do in life. I try new things, but they don't either last long or the outcome isn't very satisfying to continue. It's depressing, I know, story of my life.

Maybe I am meant to be just the sound guy every Sunday... I really don't know anymore. All those years in school... for what? Just a piece of paper saying I graduated high school... nothing more. There was a little celebration... but it was just with my folks at a restaurant. Nothing else. Eventually after that, soon began getting money for college from relatives, few in checks. Only thing I got from that was pressure and stress. I felt their hopes were getting up for me, expecting me to do well in college and I knew I would just disappoint them in the end.

Taking a semester break... which may extend to just dropping out completely. No will to continue college anymore... since CSD4 left a scar that won't heal.

The kids in the youth group at the church are smarter than me. They say things as they know what they're talking about... usually leaving me in the dark until I hear some keywords, usually feeling myself being stupid. I don't say anything though... I don't want them to end up like me, hating school and omitting the importance of education. Most of them are in scouts, hunt with their folks, or have a place in the church services like play bass, guitar, or sing in the choir; basically their talents. Me? I'm just the sound board guy... not really a talent to me, just a volunteer thing I got drafted by my Dad a long time ago. Better than being bored in the pews, that's the only bright side to it, nothing more really.

Some of my relatives are suggesting, some being a bit persistent, say I should look into that field. Honestly... I'm not very convinced I should. They mentioned pay and opportunities to working with either music companies or shows... again, not very convinced I should. It's just a usual thing I do every Sunday morning, nothing else. I just keep my eyes and ears out for the cues. Sure, it's a good deed thing... but I've done a lot of good deeds in my day and don't get much out of them that I find satisfactory, or the reward is the same.

I just feel... very useless and unimportant.

The impression CSD4 left in me will stay forever. Every time I hear "School", "College", "Education" or any discussions of the sort, either directed at me or about someone else, who I get the impression is doing well than I ever could in both education and social. I feel... depressed, along with memories of being alone in school. Also envy and jealousy in the mix. Whenever those discussions pop-up, I either stay quiet or walk away. Just so I won't get involved in the discussion and be asked how I'm doing or where I'm going. While I'm going to just a community college, my cousins are going to major universities and colleges, how can I compare with that? My cousins know what they're going to do in life and they're pursuing them well. Me? Still no idea...

One cousin is doing well in Arabic. I only took 3 years of Japanese in high school and I barely remember a thing, the teacher wasn't very good and he was from Japan. I didn't take my studies seriously enough either... how could I anyways? Not like anyone cared about me. My only goal was to just get out... that was all... I didn't want to remember a thing about that school district. Yet today, I still do.

Never bothered with the ACT's and SAT's either. Saw no purpose in doing them, especially since studying would only make me angry, frustrated, and very bored. Didn't even know what to do in life after high school or what college to enroll to since I never had a solid idea of what to do in life. There were opportunities to explore in colleges and such back in high school, but I paid no mind to them, saw no purpose. Same with those standardize and state tests we did pretty much every year. Only ended up guessing most of them anyway, if not math. Math was the only thing I ever enjoyed in school, could always understand it as it was my only element in school... yet barely any use for it for me today.

I don't want to go back to school again... I can't handle the stress and pressure anymore... and I'm just going to feel alone and very paranoid too. I fear and hate it... I wish there was another way to get an education... but I just don't see one. I always thought and heard college was better than high school... it still feels like the same to me though. The first year was good... but the second year only felt like high school... slowly but surely.