Feel So Lost

I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.

Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.

"Our House Below" & "Nobody's Home"

There's something about these two songs:  "Our House Below", from a anime movie called Arrietty, and "Nobody's Home" by Avril Levigne (used to listen to this up till high school) that gets to me. It has me questioning two things: "Family" and "Home". Do I feel a part of a family? Do I feel like I'm home? I honestly don't know anymore... What do they both mean anyway? Because I don't think I know the meanings anymore...

Suddenly Feel at Peace

By Sam

I don't know why or how, but I feel at peace with everything. Like a great weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Feel free and happy. I don't want to worry about the cause of this, but I want to enjoy every moment of this for as long as I can.

I believe the song "Fix Me" by 10 Years may be a key to this of me feeling so... calm and collected. It could also be the early June like temperatures (70's with cool winds). Either way, I'm glad I'm feeling this.

I want this to last forever. I don't want to feel paranoid, to feel scared, to be afraid of a lot of things, to shy away from people and end up pushing people away.

I think I'm finally understand the world and how it works. I think I may have finally began to... accept it. While I still don't know my place in this world, this is a huge step regardless. Bigger than you think. I've been denying and refusing the world for so long. All I needed was... a second view of it, after wanting some space for myself, to gain control for my life. Viewing it at first while under the stress of school and grades didn't have a good outcome. I couldn't... I wouldn't accept it. Yet, I feel I finally have after so many years.

About the Kony 2012 Controversy

I saw the video a few days ago and currently seeing some controversy about the video, campaign, and charity group Invisible Children. Saw videos about how inaccurate it is, that it's a lie, a scam, etc. Even read a news article and a blog post about it that is sorta questioning the video and group entirely. Some saying they're from Uganda and claiming he died 5 years ago or moved away from Uganda 6 years ago or something and how only 31% is going into charity. Watch this to ease that pain: KONY 2012 Scam or Not?

The videos I watched that are against the video and questioning the group, this girl saying from a claim by her parents that Kony died 5 years ago and saying to do more research instead of just one sided, granted that's true on the research, however, I doubt three filmmakers did a great 30 minute video all for a scam.

Some Quotes of Wisdom

A long time ago, few years ago, I made a few notes on a windows program called Sticky Note--it came with the new laptop I got, last one died out (mother board).

I haven't opened up the program in a long time... as what I written was too painful to read, however couldn't delete them.

I just now opened it up... and here's what they say. (Those with no quotes are made by me.)