Feel So Lost

I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.

Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.

I always let that get to me... because I was finally unnoticed, like I always wanted back then... to be invisible and alone. Just so I could think... since I had no one special physically to, hopefully someday, talk to anymore... just virtually. Pathetic, huh? I know... but I was afraid to make new friends... meet new people. Too many short time friendships, some so called, and bad experiences meeting new people.

I wonder... how many lives have I touched? ...how many have I possibly ruined? Probably slim and a lot, respectfully. I wonder who misses me... probably few would miss me time-to-time. Wouldn't surprise me if some of the people I met wished I never existed due to my constant emo/depressed state.

Honestly, people can say threatening things or say things like "go cut your self" or do this "/wrist", which I just cringe to every time I see that, in chat for all I care. Wouldn't really change anything. It just shows how heartless, mindless, arrogant, ignorant, and cruel they are and not really worth anyone's time. Personally, I like to call those people "Children of Hitler". Sure it's harsh, and bit inaccurate, but that's what I call them.

Anyway... I'm a legal adult and I barely know anything about myself. How sad is that? Have little real world experience, which is very pathetic.

Just hope I can find myself soon... I feel I'm running out of time.


What really brought up this topic to me: Roomies, page 3 and Bittersweet Candy Bowl: At Loose Ends, page 35. May need to read  any pages that developed into that to get the full affect.