Suddenly Feel at Peace

By Sam

I don't know why or how, but I feel at peace with everything. Like a great weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Feel free and happy. I don't want to worry about the cause of this, but I want to enjoy every moment of this for as long as I can.

I believe the song "Fix Me" by 10 Years may be a key to this of me feeling so... calm and collected. It could also be the early June like temperatures (70's with cool winds). Either way, I'm glad I'm feeling this.

I want this to last forever. I don't want to feel paranoid, to feel scared, to be afraid of a lot of things, to shy away from people and end up pushing people away.

I think I'm finally understand the world and how it works. I think I may have finally began to... accept it. While I still don't know my place in this world, this is a huge step regardless. Bigger than you think. I've been denying and refusing the world for so long. All I needed was... a second view of it, after wanting some space for myself, to gain control for my life. Viewing it at first while under the stress of school and grades didn't have a good outcome. I couldn't... I wouldn't accept it. Yet, I feel I finally have after so many years.


I may have found my middle road... a road called "Rebirth". Whatever road I'm on now, pray I don't stray from it and that it lasts forever for me.

I do not want to go back to the road I've always been on in life: fear, shy, paranoid, anger, hatred--you get the idea.

Also pray I'll finally be able to lock my bad past away and never open it again. I always thought it as a shelter, a safe haven for me. But now I realized, after so many years of being in it, that it was only hurting me and others around me.

Whatever is causing this, I refuse to let it end!

...however I'm still gonna take this road one step at a time and not rush through it. I pray this road will help lead me to whatever I am capable of doing in this world and how I can put this into a career. I do expect to be scared and hope I'll be able to meet people that will help me through this road.

I may have given up on love... but that doesn't mean I will deny it. I've only given up on looking for it. I'll let it find me instead. Less to worry about, right?

Also... I like to thank my close friend Claire for sticking with me for over a year solid and able to withstand my personality and some of my wants: someone to talk to of what I have to say to either clear my mind or feel calm and to also help me think things through better by talking about it. She understands my limits and only wish for me to do as much as I can, which I find that better sounding than "Do the best you can" which only brings stress and pressure to me. Without her aid, dedication of wanting to help me and let me be happy, and care... I would still be in a big slump, or no longer in existence. I'm glad I found a great friend that I've been wanting for so many years. As much as I want to say "Better late than never", that would be a bit of a lie considering my many years of depression of feeling alone and unwanted. I feel in debt to her, but she may deny that, haha. But seriously... thanks Claire. Couldn't have asked for a better friend than you, despite you're in another country. Glad we met... even though honestly I sorta forgot how we met exactly, heh heh.

Anyway... To anyone who has been reading my blog from the very beginning, perhaps you can see the progress being made. I don't know if it'll be best for me to read my old entries or not at this point. Maybe it's too early for that.

Right now my only wish is that... no... I best keep that a secret. Just something to hold onto as "hope".