While writing my last entry, this other bother came to mind. I had to cut out whatever I had and rewrite it a bit.
I've always long to be invited to events or activities while in school from students or friends able to persuade me enough to get evolve in any that I don't usually do or had any interest in. I remember some students tried before, but that included rapping or working out majority wise. Eventually I was never invited to anything... school plays, dances, bon fires, games, concerts etc. Even though I may not enjoy them... I wouldn't mind going for a friend. As long as my friend is having fun or enjoying it, that's all for me. Bonus if I enjoyed it too.
April 1, 2012
If Only I Was Brave
A webcomic page from Roomies (have to start from here) has brought another bother to me. As a child I wasn't very brave... always shy and scared. Couldn't even stand up for myself. I always doubted myself and let it get to me. I don't recall any chances of being brave, or maybe I'm just blocking them out so I won't feel guilty of being a coward. Either way... haven't really seen any chances to show any braveness in me. I don't even know if I have any!
I can't help but wonder that... if I did, or could, show any braveness... I would probably have a chance to get a girlfriend, or at least a long time friend... a true friend. I know I have one right now, but it's not exactly the same as I wanted, but it's something to keep me going at least.
Can't help but feel it's too late for me to show any braveness now... or that there never was a chance for me.
I can't help but wonder that... if I did, or could, show any braveness... I would probably have a chance to get a girlfriend, or at least a long time friend... a true friend. I know I have one right now, but it's not exactly the same as I wanted, but it's something to keep me going at least.
Can't help but feel it's too late for me to show any braveness now... or that there never was a chance for me.
March 25, 2012
Eventful Day
Had a eventful day yesterday, also profitable! ($60!)
A week ago dad mentioned about a catering service was gonna need some assistance of setting up for a wedding. Me, Mom, and Sis were offered this job, $20 an hour and were there for only 3 hours (that was the maximum). We moved and set up tables and chairs. Thankfully the tables were round so easy to move them. The chairs were white plastic like, very suitable for weddings. There was lots of discussions of where to place the tables and how many chairs per row for the wedding, ended up doing 8 chairs for 9 rows per side, with a total of 144 chairs (and over 300 guests confirmed there were coming so... it was going to be a mix of sitting and standing for the wedding). Had to measure distances between each row of chairs. The middle aisle had to be at least 55 inches wide, managed to get down to 59 inches and the chairs were 17 inches wide (side to side). So yeah some math was done, along with measuring tape. Worked out just fine in the end.
A week ago dad mentioned about a catering service was gonna need some assistance of setting up for a wedding. Me, Mom, and Sis were offered this job, $20 an hour and were there for only 3 hours (that was the maximum). We moved and set up tables and chairs. Thankfully the tables were round so easy to move them. The chairs were white plastic like, very suitable for weddings. There was lots of discussions of where to place the tables and how many chairs per row for the wedding, ended up doing 8 chairs for 9 rows per side, with a total of 144 chairs (and over 300 guests confirmed there were coming so... it was going to be a mix of sitting and standing for the wedding). Had to measure distances between each row of chairs. The middle aisle had to be at least 55 inches wide, managed to get down to 59 inches and the chairs were 17 inches wide (side to side). So yeah some math was done, along with measuring tape. Worked out just fine in the end.
March 23, 2012
"Salina"
I woke up in the afternoon from a deep dream. I don't recall what it was about... but the last thing that came to me was a name, "Salina".
March 22, 2012
Feel So Lost
I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.
Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.
Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.
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