Eventful Day

Had a eventful day yesterday, also profitable! ($60!)

A week ago dad mentioned about a catering service was gonna need some assistance of setting up for a wedding. Me, Mom, and Sis were offered this job, $20 an hour and were there for only 3 hours (that was the maximum). We moved and set up tables and chairs. Thankfully the tables were round so easy to move them. The chairs were white plastic like, very suitable for weddings. There was lots of discussions of where to place the tables and how many chairs per row for the wedding, ended up doing 8 chairs for 9 rows per side, with a total of 144 chairs (and over 300 guests confirmed there were coming so... it was going to be a mix of sitting and standing for the wedding). Had to measure distances between each row of chairs. The middle aisle had to be at least 55 inches wide, managed to get down to 59 inches and the chairs were 17 inches wide (side to side). So yeah some math was done, along with measuring tape. Worked out just fine in the end.

"Salina"

I woke up in the afternoon from a deep dream. I don't recall what it was about... but the last thing that came to me was a name, "Salina".

Feel So Lost

I have to admit, I don't know anything much about myself, the real self. What can I do? What's my place in this world? Who am I, really? Is this the real me or just a shell? And those are just a few of the questions buzzing around my mind every night I try to sleep, keeping me awake for another hour or two. I still don't know the answers to them either... and it's taking forever to find them too. While I am starting to understand the world... I don't understand myself though. Maybe I do, but too afraid to show my real self out there.

Maybe I did show a bit of my real self years ago... but for whatever reason, I'm afraid to show it now... unless... unless there's something that happened in my childhood that's causing me to keep it locked up. ...yeah... at least there. I always appeared to be nice and weak... that's the real me. Nice, caring, and weak. I think... that's probably the cause of that... because I'm weak. I guess I had no one in my life to protect or defend... or had the will to do so anyway... maybe not enough will... no... refused basically to protect and defend... because I always felt weak. I would just make a fool of myself if I stood up to someone.

"Our House Below" & "Nobody's Home"

There's something about these two songs:  "Our House Below", from a anime movie called Arrietty, and "Nobody's Home" by Avril Levigne (used to listen to this up till high school) that gets to me. It has me questioning two things: "Family" and "Home". Do I feel a part of a family? Do I feel like I'm home? I honestly don't know anymore... What do they both mean anyway? Because I don't think I know the meanings anymore...

Suddenly Feel at Peace

By Sam

I don't know why or how, but I feel at peace with everything. Like a great weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Feel free and happy. I don't want to worry about the cause of this, but I want to enjoy every moment of this for as long as I can.

I believe the song "Fix Me" by 10 Years may be a key to this of me feeling so... calm and collected. It could also be the early June like temperatures (70's with cool winds). Either way, I'm glad I'm feeling this.

I want this to last forever. I don't want to feel paranoid, to feel scared, to be afraid of a lot of things, to shy away from people and end up pushing people away.

I think I'm finally understand the world and how it works. I think I may have finally began to... accept it. While I still don't know my place in this world, this is a huge step regardless. Bigger than you think. I've been denying and refusing the world for so long. All I needed was... a second view of it, after wanting some space for myself, to gain control for my life. Viewing it at first while under the stress of school and grades didn't have a good outcome. I couldn't... I wouldn't accept it. Yet, I feel I finally have after so many years.