Old Song, Sad Memories, Future Hope

On the way home from church, this old song, "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts, was playing on the radio.  I haven't heard this song in... several years.

Sad memories came to my mind while this was being played. A girl I had a crush on, but couldn't admit my love to her. She then moves away by 8th grade, and I felt alone, filled with regret for not saying anything to her.

These two sets of lyrics pretty much sum it up.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

I try hiding my pain and feelings from others. Even if I'm alone, I try not to cry. I always see couples, and it only hurts me feeling regret for not saying anything. Always blaming myself for being single and difficult to socialize. I always missed her every day since she moved every time I saw a couple or by memory triggers.

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

This is pretty much self explanatory. No additional words are needed for this set.

As for the chorus:

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

I was always in emotional pain after she left. She felt like the only friend for me that I believed I could talk to, despite we barely talked and never had any classes together.

Guess fate had other plans for me... to know first hand what it is like to be lonely, worthless, unwanted, mistreated, lost, confused, depressed, and unloved with barely any source of hope and happiness. All of that would lead to paranoid, hatred, and self isolation.

This is where future hope comes in. I'm starting to see... all that has happened to me for several years were trials, tests, life lessons, or whatever the proper words are, and to use them as guidance in my life. As much as I wish to forget every bit of those sad, depressing, lonely memories... apparently, they do have value in still remembering.

While my haunts are still continuing by memory triggers, my memories, however, can be used as a tool in guidance instead of being a virus. Not all my memories can be used as a tool though... those that can't be, are haunts.