Throughout my life there's one thing I can never understand: People. Try to be nice and fun, it gets ruin. Try to fight back, I get to be marked as the bad guy instead. Others say they know me, yet I somehow can't know them. It always feels like I'm their main target to pick on. I do the best I can, yet rarely get any help or support, and usually get ganged up on. Rarely get any compliments and tips/advice too. It's almost as if people want me to be just a failure in life and everything around it.
At times it feels like I'm the only sane person out of a few. They have their fun and I will respect that as long as they respect my fun. Never works out for me, oh no. Starting to question some of the friends I have right now... always getting used for entertainment that causes me to get frustrated in the end. They know it, they do it, they get it. Always, one way or another, they always get their laugh of it, and with me wanting to cut their throats with a rusty knife.
...Part of me just wants to go on a killing spree in many locations for certain people... at least they won't be able to bother me anymore...
Not like my life can get any better though. It hasn't gotten any better since late last fall in 2012, where I finally got a paying job (decent, but a start). I never put much thought about my life ahead of time... can't really do much anyway. There's always someone that does a better job than me, not giving me any credit or a compliment, and just leaving me hang to dry. At least I'm trying something... they can give me some points in that. Wouldn't hurt to give me any tips and advice either. I try to give some, but get nothing in return.
Just thankful I'm not a leader or an icon of anything... I don't want anyone to follow in my footsteps. Nothing but a life of misery and pain far as I know, yet I continue to keep walking through it... I don't understand myself either. Starting to believe there's two souls in my body. One doing the thinking, the other doing the action, with a miscommunication between the two, causing nothing but tension and frustration. Even forgetting my past... which is a good thing because I want to, but also a bad thing because I won't be able to learn my mistakes and regrets of my failures.
My life has never been easy for me... it's been a never ending challenge of trying to understand people. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong either. I've probably been told many times, but would forget it constantly. Seems I need to be told constantly like a child to get it... maybe that's the problem in my life... I still haven't mentally grown up and matured for my age. I'm always scared, paranoid, and frustrated easily in the real world (about half that online). Yet I don't want to be mostly alone and forgotten. My life is nothing but a one big huge contradiction of it's own.
...I should probably stop bothering to go online. Already gave up on the real world... seems the online world just isn't for me either anymore, starting to feel like an outcast all over again. No one ever listens to me anyway. Just ignored like a background character and always treated like dirt for everyone's entertainment.
What's left now for me to go to?
*Direlda hugs*
ReplyDeletePeople are by far some of the most confusing things in this universe. I write stories, so I have to try to understand people, but even I am often surprised and vexed by people. Sometimes I just want to bang on the table and yell "why can't you just make sense" at people. Especially when what they are doing or saying comes crashing down on me.
The internet is but an extension of the "real" world. Sometimes being online reminds me of how distant I am from almost all of my friends. And people rarely comment on my blog (which reminds me, I need to finish writing that one thing...), so I often feel like no one is listening or cares about what I have to say. There is a reason I sometimes call myself the Liminal Mr Fox (meaning I'm in between, don't really belong one place or another).
Places I have gone to when neither the "real" world nor the internet are appealing include books and the world of my stories. Though they are just as frustrating at times as the "real" world.
I hope you continue to come online--you do help make the Antilia community wonderful, in my opinion.
May God bless you, may you find a place to belong, and may a star shine down upon your path.
Blessings and peace!
~Direlda, the crazy fox