Feeling a bit depressed right now... just found out the class slut is married and has a 1 year born. Yet another person I know from my class/generation who is engaged/married or had at least one love relationship. ...I know I'm still young and have plenty of time--if I had a dollar every time I heard that phrase, I'd have $50 or so (USD).
I wish I wasn't so shy, nervous, scared, paranoid, judgmental, quiet, boring and depressing in real life when I'm around people I don't know, or barely know; plus I find myself constantly saying stupid depressing things. I may have said this before... but I've tried to be social, lighten up and expand my horizons... but in most cases never catches on. I give one thing a try and I either forget about it or accept it into my life.
I can only try so much... yet do very little things. I can't handle college without a constant meaning to drive me. My original meaning was to impress a girl I knew since elementary that was going at the college I was going to, it was a huge coincidence, and took it as a sign of another chance of admitting my feelings to her, however that card had had be held in my hand even longer when she was dating someone, plus pregnant (she had to abort due to health risks)... I had to toss that card away since she was getting engaged with the guy. I wanted to show her I'm smart and able to be with... but that moment only lasted about a semester before she took a semester off and went to another college... 8th grade all over again... one year she's there... next school year, she moved to another school. ...history keeps repeating itself to me...
About a year later... I no longer had a meaning to keep going to college... third semester was the start of it all... I didn't know what I wanted to do in life... couldn't see a point of getting the degree that my dad kept pressing on about... plus the stress was finally getting to me... I was never prepared for it... nor was I ready. Couldn't connect well with any of the students either... no girl had my interest either... I was just a guy with a sad cloud over his head.
...I feel like the only boy in my class/generation that hasn't had at least one GF in person... a close friend has been keeping me in check and comforting me... but I wish she was physically closer... she's the type of girl I've always wanted. Comforting, open minded, patience, caring... never met a girl like her before... yet she's in Australia. ...love hates me...
...why am I so cursed?
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