My Learning Skill: Not Able to Improve with Others

As I sit here, listening to early tracks of the Gorlliaz like "Feel Good Inc." "Kids With Guns" "El Manana" "19/2000 (Soulchild remix)" (Original here) that I would listen to back in my early years of high school, and possibly 8th grade in middle school, has me thinking about my learning skills

Seems during my 13 years of school... I have always felt rushed, not to do my best... but to BE the best... to always get the best grades. Eventually I was doing okay in school... but by the time I got to middle school... I felt like I was lagging behind. Sure my grades were able to pass... but I don't feel I got enough appreciation for them. When I thought I was good in a class... there would always be someone else who would be far better than me. That alone would cause me to push myself over the edge so I can prove to myself and others that I am actually better at something than anyone else can possibly can.

By high school, in most cases... I gave up in trying, since the best I could do would always been typically average or less. Only one class I finally got some appreciation in was CAD (Computer Aided Drafting) classes. However, that only lasted for my junior year... the teacher transferred to another school and there was no teacher to teach any CAD. I was happy to finally get a reward while in my years in school. Students and teachers in the classroom, when they announced the winners of the contest for CAD students that was held in the state, days after returning, congratulated me. Won district and state in my own division. Felt very proud, so did my parents and family. I finally found my element... just too bad it was gone in my senior year. Just as I finally found my element... it leaves... just like that.

Once again... felt out of place... always lagging behind in other subjects, besides math. I tried telling my parents over and over that unless the subject interests me, or the teacher is able to make it interesting, I can't learn about it as I get very bored easily. My mind was still in a children state... if it interests me, I'll explore into it... if not... then I pay no mind to it. Eventually I gave up trying to explain, as they didn't really understand it. So I tried what I could... while some of the teachers would try to pressure me to do better... which only made me feel ashamed of myself and only discouraged me to explore into the subject more. I wanted to learn at my own rate... that was never the option.

I was never able to learn at my own pace... as my pace is that of a snail... In elementary, I felt that some of the teachers gave up hope on me... in middle, only a handful cared. In high school... barely any cared. I couldn't handle the pressure to do better in such a set time. That is why I never do goals for myself with a time set... it would either discourage me or overwhelm me. I was too scared to ask for help as well, without getting remarks of "You should have learned about this in this grade.", as that always made me feel more ashamed of myself. It wasn't my fault the teacher I had didn't bring it up... or made the subject boring to understand.

I still don't know what I want to do in life, as every opportunity I take... never stays with me.

...I'm just glad someone, a close friend, has finally said "I'm proud you only did the best you could without pushing yourself too much"... those words means a lot to me... finally... someone is proud of me that I can only try so hard without going over the edge. How long I yearned for someone to say that...

I'm just too sensitive for school... I'm scared to even walk into any education building. Every time I do... I instantly feel rushed... no room to breathe, no room to think thoroughly, just to act instantly. I can't learn under such conditions... I prefer one crawl at a time. I'm a very slow learning when it comes to school subjects, besides math, especially if it's boring and too complicated for me to understand, or able to look up without it getting worse for me to understand.

..."Nice Guys Finish Last" is what the saying goes... and I know I'm in dead last in my generation... I can't handle college alone... can't connect well with any of the students... no one to study with that is in that class... no one to turn to for help... always feel alone... that I have to rely on myself only... that's what I learned constantly in school... that I can't trust people and I have to walk alone...

I don't agree well with the education system... too demanding for me to handle... despite how much I tried to keep up with it...

Wish I could find a source of motivation... but no longer one for me to grasp. Guess I'm a college dropout now... wanted to drop out of highschool, so much, as I couldn't handle the pressure and the stress... and that I couldn't keep up with the other students...

...where's my element? Everyone else found theirs, or at least with friends... I still haven't found mine...

Lost... and alone... in search for something that may not exist for me.