Choices: We Make, Make Us

By Ark

Something about this picture speaks to me.

"You know they say we all make choices... but in the end... our choices make us..."

Gonna have to dig very deep in this one to understand why it speaks to me. Let's see...

Question right now is, what am I now? In a few simple words: Lonely, Quiet, Distant.

Distant: From Kindergarten ('96-'97) to 3rd grade ('99-2000) I was very social and interactive. I was generally enjoying school these times. When 4th grade ('00-01) came in, that's when I started distancing myself from others. A new student transferred in. He wasn't the first that transferred, another came into the school for second grade, but didn't see him after that year. This new student really changed my view of people. Long story short, he was a racist bully and I was his main target. Due to him, I started to hate school, didn't like it anymore and wanted to stop going, or at least go to another district. This also caused a spark to not open up to people so easily... he started it all. After the first few months of 8th grade (04-05) I could no longer trust any student in that district very easily. I ended up only giving small talk, and cold shoulders to those who would approach me whether I did or didn't know them or their welcome approach was too forward/strong/unknown to me. Made a few friends in middle school, since the ones I made in elementary no longer had a connection with by 7th grade (03-04). By high school (Fall '06) never had any classes with my friends, and only with students I kept distancing myself.

Lonely: I once had a crush on a girl since 1st grade ('97-'98). Why I had feelings for her, I do not know. She was the only friend I felt a deep connection with somehow. We never had any classes together, went to same day care before and after school (only from Kindergarten to 5th grade), and would see each other time-to-time in the hallway. I really wanted to tell her my feelings, but I kept getting held back. When the bully transferred in 2000, I had to keep my crush a secret so I wouldn't be teased more, nor get her involved--she was already involved, found about this in Spring 2011, but only because the bully was picking on her little brother who has a learning disability that he goes to a different classroom for his kind, I also have one, but it wasn't as bad as him. (I'll talk about that later.) When we went to middle school, I felt very happy and cheerful to see her in the hallway, still had no classes together. However when 8th grade came in, she moved. The girl I once had a crush on, transferred to another district. This is where the lonely trait comes in. The only person in that whole class I had a deep connection with, was gone from my life for 5 years--reunited via facebook during spring of senior year ('09). During those 5 years, while at the same time distancing myself from the others, more so since 8th grade, I also felt lonely because the only girl I had an interest with was gone. By the time we reunited... I no longer felt the same deep connection. It was gone... I tried to get the connection back, but apparently I had to draw myself a line. We hadn't seen each other for 5 years, for starters. Second, I noticed a change in her that I couldn't really accept anymore, took awhile anyway. Third, she was dating with other men I couldn't compete with. I'm still friends with her, even though the deep connection is lost... the new one is decent anyway. I soon wanted to be alone, away from the other students. I secretly blamed them for causing my crush to move away, leaving me with a broken sad heart, begging and wanting love... not to mentioned hated Valentine's Day as well, since it was just a mockery to me.

Quiet: I don't know when I started to be quiet. Best bet is when the bully transferred is when I became a man with few words... plus most of the teachers I had were very strict about "be quiet when the teacher is talking" rule and since getting in trouble with the school was the most fear for me at that time, I did just that, which caused me to be the most boring student in the class, which adds to the loneliness with the effects of the distancing I put myself through.

To sum it all up, since I chose to distant myself from others, it caused me to be lonely. Since I chose to be quiet, it caused me to distant myself from others. Loneliness was at first the effects of distancing and being quiet, but soon was a self choice since I didn't want to be around with the students anymore. I was fine, for the most part, during class sessions, but not before or after school. I didn't take part of any activities, join clubs (had to join clubs during middle school, which wasn't difficult to distant myself from students), attend school sports, etc. I do wish I as more sociable though and not have constant bad memories gloomy over my head every day in school... really missed out on a lot of things throughout those years... but no one really reached out to me. Like I said in my entry Like a Maze, they just saw me as if I was death itself and not seeing someone crying out for help. My past still haunts me to this day, but I have had a few over comes lately.

I'm still crying out for help to this day... and so far only one has answered that call, and still is to this day. Don't wanna lose this person... so far I can only count on her to help me out and not see the world is scary as I thought, however she is very limited to what she can do. I'll have to relearn from experience... but it's been difficult to do it alone as I only keep going back to start. I don't want to be quiet, lonely, or continue distancing myself from others anymore... it was fine during high school, but has carried over after graduation. I was glad to finally get out... but I wasn't really satisfied with the results. All I got out of it was a high school diploma... nothing really much else that was memoriable. Currently in college... but it's just feeling like high school all over again for me... quietness, distancing, loneliness... it started to sink back in after the first year of college. I want to put a hold on education, as it's only causing me to be quiet, distant, and lonely right now. I want to find a method that will overcome them during classes, while at the sametime stay focus and study hard... but I'm not given any breathing room for that.