No Motivation

As I look at my Geology homework that is due Tuesday, along with an overdue assignment, I just sigh and look away from it, not bothering to mess with it. My reason? I still have no motivation to do it... A close friend of mine asked me "What drives you?" and my answer is, "I don't know." A friend of mine linked Steve Job's speech for Harvard back in 2005, in Free Time With No One, while it did speak to me, it didn't stick to me. The same close friend has motivation for college, because she knows what she wants to do in life. As for me... I still don't know, which doesn't give me any self motivation at all to go to college.

Never really could think of what I want to do in life after high school... didn't really plan to go to college for the next 4 years after graduation. My parents wouldn't give me that option... not even a year as Dad pressed hard on the topic of college, before the semester of Spring 2010 started. It did feel different, much quiet, the environment I so longed for for many years while at CSD4, the school district I went to.

After the second semester of college, Fall 2010, I found no meaning to continue going since only Dad wants me to get this degree. College is optional, yet my parents aren't giving me much breathing room to actually choose. CSD4 never prepared me for life after high school, only a little, but not sufficiently. Couldn't really concentrate on anything important at the high school... because I no longer wanted part of the school district, only wanted out of it, which was the only motivation I need to get my grades to at least a C to pass, so I wouldn't have to take them again nor get held back a year, which would've been disaster for everyone involved. Only class I failed was Speech, didn't need it to graduate anyway, plus it was Mom's idea that might help me talk more in public. While in most cases I did have good speeches and powerpoints down, I refused to present them as most of the class were Africans, most bad than others, who were into things I refused to lind an ear to--rap, cars, school events like sports, etc. I didn't feel comfortable at all presenting infront of people I couldn't connect to, or that I had a reason to hate.

Didn't really cared about my GPA either, just wanted out and take a long break from school. The district did offer scholarships, but they announced them a week before time expired, which was not much. The requirements were too great for me to even attempt to bother. While in middle school, I was given a chance to joy the NJHS (National Junior Honor Societ) because my GPA met the requirement... however in order to actually join I had to do 3 page essay of why I should join. My crush was part of that group, but... there was no way I could join. I dreaded essays, always panic and get frustrated when doing them. I didn't even bother to attempt to do that essay, just wasn't worth it to me.

I didn't bother to do any of the ACT/SAT testings either, no motivation nor bothered. I just didn't care about the importantance of education while going at that god forsaken district of students who have been raised by irresponsible and idiotic parenting. It's obvious by just talking to or observing the students that they were never once desciplined on how to really behave.

The other motivation was to get away from the morons and rap freaks at that school district. I couldn't trust many people anymore since 8th grade. That's when I lost the happiness and caring inside of me and eventually gave people the cold shoulder, except for a few that I cared about or felt a connection with. I tried to trust again... but attempt after attempt in that district, it only made it worse for me. I didn't attend any school events, sign up for any clubs, get involved with dances and such. I just wanted out, not get more involved in a district that treated me like I'm death.

Now that I think about it, maybe it would've been best if I did get held back. Discipline was never needed for me throughout those years at the school. I just followed the rules to the letter: not talk when the teacher was talking, get to class on time or early; just so I wouldn't get into trouble and cause a "Sister/Mother" argument--my sister and mother would argue all the time while I was  kid, while she was still in high school. I hated it, and I didn't want to go through with it or have them face it again. So I tried the best I could to avoid that situation, in most cases I have succedded that.

Right now, because of that god forsaken CSD4, I have no future. I had no breathing room to think of what to do. I had many hopes and dreams... but year after year, they were shattering away. I tried to keep them together, but it was futile. By the time I graduated, nothing was left worth holding on to. Love, hopes, dreams, happiness... all gone, all stolen from me. Couldn't get them back... no matter how hard I tried... I just couldn't feel them anymore.

I cannot forgive the students, and the district, for the pain they caused me; cannot forget either. I want them to feel what I felt all those years... the pain, the aggony... the wanting, the needing... everything. I want them to feel tortured by it, every inch of it, same duration that I had to go through. They all hurt me... and I want them to pay for it, not with their lives... but with their love, hopes, dreams, and happiness. They stolen all of that from me... and I want it back, whatever the cost... they don't deserve it... I do. They took it all from me... and I will get it back from them, one way or another.

"Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is most likely the closes song that relates to this situation I'm currently in.